How could she be so mean to me!!!

I sit with a mask of make believe smiles upon my face to hide the pain that fills my heart. How can she be so mean to someone she gave birth to? Why have a child to hurt and abuse rather than love and care for? How can she be so heartless and cold to a child that is under spoken. I keep my thoughts and feelings inside to make it seem like I'm full of life only to regret so much that I have denied. She sacrificed for years she says, but to her, sacrifice means giving up booze that eases her temper, to keep from bashing me with the hatred she really feels. The mask I will release, and the joy to my life will soon be, so to that I say to the mother I do hate, I am beautiful, strong, smart, and gifted. You can not take away the pain from you and release it to me. This under spoken child has learned to change the bad from you and speak the good in me.