Lonely days

The loneliest day of my life,
The day she left me there,
Left me writhing in my seat.
That was the day I died.
It was the day I shut down.
This betrayal destroyed me.
I read, and re-read it,
Hoping desperately that I was mistaken in my interpretation.
But every new day that I re-read it on,
This Unimaginable betrayal became that much clearer.
I had been abandoned like a piece of worthless trash,
Or so I had thought.
I now know the truth,
That you were scared out of your mind,
That this whole thing seemed wrong.
But in my mind now,
I recount all that has happened,
Wondering where I myself failed you,
And I saw so many times and places where I had let you down.
But I know that I did not deserve to be discarded like a piece of worthless trash.
And so on that lonely day...
I lost myself,
Lost my sense of trust,
My sense of me.
I lost contact with that which I truly am.
On that long day,
I became a truly cold individual.
I blocked out all the pain,
Rigged up a wall of mental steel.
I now know not how to tear down this wall.
It shields me from the hurt,
Until it comes crashing through the gates of this sealed wall,
Until I weep tears,
And even then I know not why I weep,
Because so many emotions wash over me in that instance that its all jumbled.
All so jumbled that I just fall to my knees with a sense of despair and hopelessness.

With such an unbridled confession,
Comes forth a harsh realization.
A realization that I have committed the same acts of atrocity,
Too more than the women whom I held dear.
I have shattered their worlds,
Unconsciously trying to share my pain.
Looking back,
I see how I shattered the foundations,
On which they stood,
Just as had been done to me,
Even those whom I could not touch physically,
I destroyed their world just as completely as those whom I could touch.

For these terrible acts I have committed,
I beg forgiveness.
And hope with all of my soul,
That forgiveness is not beyond my grasp.