Wow..I could imagine how cool song It could be with a good rhythm..You were so creative in this one and let words play its game..I liked the flow that It is one of the most important thing in a song

Keep it up,
Laura

Aaaah. i realy don't know that how i expressed this writing stuff in just words. believe me i have no words for this great poetry writing style. such a nice poem it was sad too. it made me sad aswell anyhow it was nicely panned.

verse 4:
I've moved on, don't need you in my life
So go away and take with you your strife
No longer are you able to mess with my head
So go now and climb in someone else's bed

i loved these lines allot realy relates to my story.
i have added you in my favourites just for look forward your any new poem.

your these such a great words show the talent. and you this tlaent forcoe me to give you 5/5
i am giving you 5/5

takecare

from hassan kirmani

Wow that was amazing I really liked the flow of this the word choice was excellent of course, I can almost here this playing on the radio, in my head. Hope it makes the top charts one day. Excellent peice 5/5

This is very good and I think it will make a brilliant song - its hard to read when you dont know the melody tho... as in you try to picture how its going to sound!! :)

The only thing I could point out as constructive critisism is that the line "Tore me down when once you made me stand tall" in your chorus seems quite a bit longer than all your other lines - but then again, because I dont know your melody it might fit right in to what you've got in mind!

Mo
xx

'Oooh, I remember when I found you with her
Didn't say sorry, just lay there and stared'

'Stared' and 'Her' don't rhyme.

'So go away and take with you your strife'

That sentence seemed forced. You might wanna think about revising it.

'Don't need you anymore, no
Gonna find someone to love me so'

That sounded like you came up with the 2nd sentence first and you really wanted to use it so you came up with just any sentence that would rhyme with it.

'Days went by without a single call
Seemed content to just watch me fall
Gave you my trust, gave you my all
Tore me down when once you made me stand tall
Happy to leave me with completely nothing at all'

You used 'all' twice. I'm not sure if you did that on purpose but your chorus seemed off because of it.

'Oh so perfect together we were
Truly thought you'd always be there'

That doesn't rhyme either. If you tried to rhyme that when you sang, it would sound like a thug was singing.

Overall, I liked this poem. You tried to hard to let everyone know how much of a bad person this guy was but you went a little overboard.

It is quite surprizingly, good. I don't know what genre you were going for, but I get a rocker girl band, feel; which is sooo cool.

There is nothing wrong with these lyrics at all; except of course - I didn't hear you sing it... :( Exelent work!

~Richi~