My Mouth Has Been Sewn Shut

My mouth has been sewn shut.

I cannot tell you when I am happy
Or sad.
Bad days are silent,
And good days go unmentioned.
I cannot laugh,
I cannot sing,
I cannot ask for help,
I cannot cry out in pain -
My screams are kept behind my teeth,
Buzzing about like angry wasps
Searching for a way out.

I cannot utter a word.

My head becomes crowded with white noise -
Inside my skull it is deafening, voices shouting from all angles, whistles blowing, babies crying,
lions roaring, alarms ringing, waves crashing,
Like I could drown in my own mind.

My story is found only in the notes I keep.
They are my only source of release, my hope of peace and calm.
A pictorial diary of feelings,
Written carefully, in neat pattern lines,
With me wherever I go.

My mouth has been sewn shut.
I cannot tell you that I love you,
Or those times that I'm angry with you.
I cannot tell you that you are hurting me.

So I write it down on my thighs,
In the hope that you will see.