Sometimes when I think about it I hate you so much for throwing away everything we had.
Sometimes when I think about it I hate you for what you did.
Sometimes when I see you I can only think about how nice it feels waking up next to you.
And sometimes when I drive down the street I see somebody on a bike and I hope it's you.
And when I smell that certain type of tobacco I look around hoping to find you and when I don't I can't help but be disappointed.
And I'm probably holding myself back waiting for you because I know this feeling deep in my gut isn't worth losing for anything.
And I pass on him and I pass on him and I pass on him because you're the only one I see.
And I tear myself apart every time you walk away and I still haven't said everything I wish I had.
I try not to look you in the eye for too long because they'll rip into me and maybe you'll be able to see how much I miss you whenever I'm right next to you.
And as I sat with my family on the Fourth of July surrounded by people I had never been more lonely in my life because all I remembered was sitting in the field with you and your nieces last year under the exploding sky with that underlying feeling of family and I finally knew true love.
I'm choppy.
I write short thoughts.
Then I spew out everything in my mind in one fluid motion and I can't stop for the life of me even if I keep telling myself over and over again that I just need to be done.
And I wish so much that I could show you every last entry in this damn book and the one before that had to do with you just so maybe you could understand just how much you mean to me and how willing I am to wait for you but I'm just scared that maybe you still wouldn't get it and maybe it would even have the opposite effect and you'd just run away so I keep this little book on my bedside table for my eyes only until maybe someday when I'm not such a damn chicken and can open up to you the way I've always wanted to but have never had the courage to do.
But I guess all that I can do for now is tell you I love you and wait for you to get your shit together.
So here it is.
I love you.
I'll wait for you always.
I'll love you forever.
Until time ends.
