Hmm. i liked where you went with this. however, poetically it could be tweaked. poems really dont need an overdose on words, whether or not they sound good.

4/5.

This was a good start.. I think if you work with this it could be a lot better.. Maybe try and brake it up a little bit and get it to flow a little better.

I agree with the others - I like the message you are going with in this poem ~ alot! The flow needs to be smoother, but keep writing because you choose great topics!

I loved the way that you wrote a message inside of this. Even if you haven't realised it yourself. So two thumbs up for sure, it's always nice to put those in there and you did a fine job doing so.

:]

5/5
-beth

You wrote an artistic peice of work that many wish they could put on paper,
just try to make it flow some more like everyone said and dont make the senctences so long =-P
i truly enjoyed the message in it and encourage you to continue writing. also dont be afraid to branch out into different styles of poetry. broadening your horizon can bring to you an infinite amount of paths to walk.

Very very very very good