Totally torn inside { Unfinished }

I'm running out of things to say about you.
I can barely look at you right now,, and I can't tell you why!

I can't even explain why.
I wouldn't even know where to start.

Do you know in the beginning when you fell for my best friend...
I was so happy and even though I really liked you...
it didn't matter because you two were happy together.

But...
When everything started going wrong and she told me how she really felt about you, she told me that she never cared.
It hurt me more than it hurt you.
I didn't know what I could do, I wanted you to be happy and you weren't.
I wanted to tell you so many times but I couldn't hurt you.
I wasn't taking sides because you knew better than most people that I couldn't choose between you both!
and that should tell you something!

But then everything was fine,
you took me out
I made you laugh
the movie made me cry
I made you cry
and then it hit me
as we were there crying together
I could make you happy!
and I didnt even see it before.

but then I started getting scared of what I feel....
I've never felt this way about anyone before
and I couldn't handle it
so I pushed you away
and
then pulled you back
and it must have felt like i wanted you one minute and didn't care about you the next
I was so hot and cold with you
and I didn't even stop to think about what it was doing to you
I couldn't feel you slipping away from me

But now
I know
that I have pushed you so far away
that I can't pull you back anymore
and I want you back!
I need you here
and I'm not saying this all to change my mind and push you away again

without you being pulled back
I realized
I never wanted you to go away
I always wanted you to stay with me
to fight
and
resist me pushing you away

I pushed you away in the first place because I felt like I was falling in love with you and I was scared that one day you wouldn't be there for me
and guess what now I don't even have to imagine what my life is like without you,
because the way things have been recently you have left me and I feel like I have nothing in my life
I find myself talking about you
just to make myself feel like you're still around.

But it hurts so much just to try and talk to you
and I don't know why