Money For a Broken Soul

Interesting topic... grammatically it's very sound, but some tense issues distract from the poem as well as some lingering vocabulary. I think it could improve quite a bit with some revision.

My first suggestion, and strongest, is to switch to present tense for the majority of the poem (obviously you can't with the last stanza). Present tense will place the reader in the moment and allow them to connect that much more to your writing. example: instead of "as I keep walking" switch to "as I walk" - you could even expand the line for more feel: "as I walk the streets" and so on

line 2: I know you covered this in the introduction, but you need to introduce your main topic, 'the homeless' and you can't do that with a generic 'they.' You have to locate the reader and connect with them as soon as possible. Don't worry about increasing the lenght of the line

stanza 3, line 3: sentence structure is a bit verbose... especially for the subject matter. Consider revising (ex. "to loosen the weight of these hunger pains" (heh I dunno))

stanza 4, line 1: 'feel' is overused and non-descriptive. consider replacing with another word.

stanza 4, line 4: 'jumpstart' doesn't flow well with the tone of the rest of the poem. Don't sacrifice substance for rhyme scheme.

stanza 4, line 3: 'make sure' - overused. Rewrite.

stanza 4, line 4: 'put' - once again, bland and un-descriptive. You can achieve the same message using wording that evokes more of an emotional response from the reader.

These are all just suggestions to refine the poem... Though I tried to keep them as objective as possible. You made mention that you write to express your own emotions. Since I've joined this forum I've heard the idea that many writers are against 'polishing' their work because they write what they feel and that should be well enough. It's not. Simply put, poetry is art and art requires refinement. Attention to detail will lead to improvement and you will soon be able to write precisely what you feel on a much more mature and compelling level (without having to sacrifice the raw emotion you initially felt when writing it). Good Luck, and I hope you find this helpful.

Sometimes you also have to be careful. There has been times where people have come up to us and asked for money for the homeless and I offered him two dollars and my friends offered him money also and he completely rejected it and asked for bigger bills and we had our money in our hand and he ended up taking..well stealing... 25 dollars from us. Some people just try to get money even if they are homeless or not so you have to be careful not to letyour money go to the wrong hands.

It makes me want to cry. It also makes me feel very guilty when I think of the times I've ignored the homeless people who tried to sell me a Big Issue on the street, or stood up on the train and asked for a pound. Next time I'm asked, I'll remember this poem and hopefully I'll do the right thing.