Dreaming of my ending

My heart is full of pain,
so much shame, no energy to complain,
so many mistakes and regrets from the past I wish I could go back and change,
I waste time tying to live this life,
yet sane enough to live this life,
but weak because I wish there was another way I could die, without waiting till my time,
I'm so selfish, living a lie, crying, implying, my mind is arise,
So many people try to help me survive yet I don't want to continue knowing I'm dead, alone, empty inside.

The only thing left for me is a life I can no longer lead, uncontrolled, fleeing, from everything that makes my heart cold, yet I'm so bold, holding on by a thread, I let go and I'm falling, drifting, fading, I'm dead.

After all that the last thing that will ever have to do with me is the living standing over my body, grieving, leaving, I'm left in my dirt bed. days, weeks, months go by and all the bug that used to live in my aunts rug, crawl into my body, feeding, eating, satisfying themselves, no longer feeling, that empty feeling of being unfed, satisfied they leave.

And my sadness, emptiness, no longer haunts me, hopefully heaven will accept my soul, cleansing, purifying, rehabilitating me, I'm no longer crying, dying, lying about things that'll never be, the only thing left is for me to rest in peace.

yet, I know I will never actually leave this world without a fight,
as i continue suffering and dreaming about a death that will never be mine,
so i lay in my bed like every night,
looking at the time,
thinking about the things that haunt me and cause my heart to bleed,
my eyes close and I'm sleeping,
to wake to the samething everyday,
nothing left to say,
still one question haunts me,
"when will I stop wallowing in my own self pity?"