Well, it's choppy and doesn't flow so well, but I can feel the emotion in the words and the repetition helps a bit. I guess maybe try to elongate lines so that the rhythm flows better.

Thanks for the feedback....

You know what I think of the writer of these words?
Great imagination! A GOOD talent in describing things!
I like the way your poems are so detailed. I bet you do think a lot.

It's a really good poem, man... the flow sometimes get lost but it's because the fellings that form the poem are really high...and the way you written it's marvelous!