Hope

Arent you tired of it? tired of everyone worrying about everyone. tired
of
worrying about everyone worring about you? i am. im tired of people
killing
me slowly, but not even knowing about it. their actions hurt, although
they
do nothin. its like im screaming silently, and cant get my voice to be
heard, by anyone. and im just getting sooo tired of it. i have been
walking.
and i am going to keep walking, until i am happy. i've been walking for
quiet some time, and im starting to get tired. i've almost sat down on
the
curb a few times, but for many unknown reasons, i keep walking. but
lately,
there have been hills. one sided hills, that only go up. and i seem to
keep
walking up them. i make the wrong turn, and take the wrong road.
another
mistake that i can add to my evergrowing list of mistakes. thats all i
have
been making, is mistakes, and i've been living a life that satisfies
everybody. but i only make mistakes when i do that. and it just really
is
hard to go through life that. i just want to do something for myself.
something that will make me happy, not everybody else. but i dont know
what
it is. i forgot what it meant to be truly happy. to actually be
satisfied
with myself, and my life. ive been unhappy, and a slave for everybody
else's
emotions for so long, i have scars that i made myself to remind me to
stay
true to the ones i have devoted so much time and effort to to make
happy.
when i try to do something for myself, its like a brick in everyone's
face.
it wakes them up, and makes them angry, and then i get so scared, i run
away. no one with a brain would stay around after they just hit someone
in
the face with a brick. so thats what i do. i run away. and im tired of
running. im tired of being scared of myself, being scared of
disappointing
people. disappointing myself. and i just dont want to wake up in the
morning, becuz i just remind myself that will do something wrong. i
just
cant take it anymore. i hate waking up and having to face my problems.
i
know..its life and life isnt fair, but why does it have to be like this
to
me? my friends dont go through this, my family doesnt, so why me? why
does
everything seem to happen to me that is negative in every way. im sick
of
everything, and there isnt a remedy that can possibly cure me. except
for
one thing, and that is what i have hid for for the longest time. i
dont
want to die anymore. i used to want to. but i never had the guts to. im
always
worried about what everyone would think. im worried that they will be
disapointed in me. and if i fail at my attempt, then im afraid life
will be
worse. if thats even possible. im not afraid of failure, i've lived
with
that all my life, but im afraid of disapointing (like usual) everyone.
you
can say i have never disappointed you, but i have. i know i have. and
if i
havent, my mind makes up something negative (against my will). its not
my
fault. really. i promise. but i just dont know what to do. im scared. i
just
want to go away. so i will never disapoint anyone. ever again. so i
wont
hurt anyone anymore. ever.
but i guess ill just stay here. with all of you that care and hope things get better.
thats
all i can do anyways right?
just hope?