These dreadful memories of nights

I suck it in
absorb it and forget it
just push it down, further down, down
I set fire
ignore the ashes in my heart
I'm allergic to my tears
so I avoid them, if I can
but if I'm acting, I just
turn steel
and cry without emotion
I loathe it
Burn it
I eat the ashes
I kill the fire
with water, cool and cleansing
I hate joy that never lasts
I hate the burden I cant bear; sorrow
So what do I do
on nights like this?
When it's okay, I can cry, I should get it out now
while it's safe
What do I do
when I can't
numb as I ever was
Numb
always
when I don't need to be
I am restless. And awake.
So, tell me,
tell me if you can
what I should do
on nights like this?