Comments : Time Flies~Manda

  • 17 years ago

    by Letty

    When you asked for this poem to be commented on and rated I am sure that you wanted the honest truth. I will start with the first stanza:

    Oh wow its been so long
    Its so weird whatever went wrong
    Been a couple months now
    We were so close i don't know how

    Oh wow! Its been so long,

    (this is how you should have written the first line).

    It's so weird, whatever went wrong?

    Been a couple of months now,

    We were so close I don't know how.

    Now that last line needs to be written differently. It shouldn't have been broken off like that because it messes up the flow of the poem and takes away from the meaning of it.

    Before I go on with my critique of your poem, I would suggest now that you capitalize all single I's (I). I also suggest that you use punctuation because when you don''t it makes the poem hard to follow.

    The second stanza:

    I still sit up and night and think about you
    Think about all we have gone through
    I saw you the other day
    I've seen you happier I can say

    My rewrite;

    I still sit up at night and think of you,
    About all that we've gone through.
    I saw how you were the other day,
    I've seen you happier, that I can say.

    You don't have to write it exactly like that, but I think you get the point that I am trying to make. You need to choose wording that keeps to the rhythm and flow of the poem. You also must remember to use proper grammar and punctuation. Don't get me wrong, I have the same problems sometimes and I don't see them until someone points them out to me. I hope that you will except my critique the way that I have learned to except others.

    Stanza three:

    Who's that girl you're with
    Wow looks like you got your wish
    Best frien I see
    Ya thats what she has to be

    My rewrite:

    Who's that girl you're with?
    It looks like you've got wish.
    Best friend I see, ( I would use another line)
    Yeah, that's what she has to be.

    Again with the punctuation and grammar. I would also look into rephrasing this stanza so that it can be easier to follow.

    Irreplaceable I didn't think you could
    But after I hurt you I figured you would

    I really couldn't follow this at all. You shouldn't have used the word irreplaceable it doesn't make sense. you should have maybe said something like:

    Replace me, I didn't think you could.
    But after I hurt you, I figured you would.

    The next two lines:

    I was thinking about you lysse hard last night
    And then I remembered it was just a fight

    I really don't know what you were trying to say here. I really suggest that you strongly think about rephrasing these two lines because I don't get it.

    For the last three stanza's I suggest the same thing:

    I had a dream last night, sat there and cried
    Now here I am alone so I hide
    I don't want to go back to what i use to be
    But each time I look in the mirror that's what I see

    Sat on the floor last night with that blade
    Looked in the mirror and saw my life fade
    I woke up in the middle of the night and I wasn't dead
    Hope this sorry is in your head

    Wow i saw that girl the other day
    I saw her in the mirror and had lots to say

    Punctuation, rephrasing, and grammar.

    I hope that this has helped. I really couldn't get into this poem because of all the errors, grammar, and mistakes. But since this is your hard work I never like to down rate anyone so I give you a 4. I hope that this doesn't upset you. When you read my work I want some honest critique also. If you want me to read anything else Pm me, or leave it in my comments box. Keep trying hun. That's how most of us start out. I am not all that great myself, but that is why I joined so that I could get better.

    Letty

  • 17 years ago

    by Debbie

    Oh. Well, Miss Letty has seemingly covered each and every point to be taken into consideration. If you go for her advice, I believe you'll [re]create an even better piece.

  • 17 years ago

    by katy

    I reli like this peice even tho people say it need re-doing i think its fine as its ur own work and no one can really re-write it for u as it comes from ur heart :) like it xx

  • 17 years ago

    by Gasttlee

    I think this is amazing! 5/5

  • 17 years ago

    by Kaila

    Wow very powerful
    you did a wondeful job
    i loved it
    and the emotion was fab!