I'm seeing things...

by Todd   Aug 16, 2007


I wake up only to be lied to,
by my eyes that say I'm seeing you.

But then your face fades to my pillow..
and I'm struck thinking,just where'd you go.

Then i toss and turn to get my vision back
Only to be reminded of what i lack...

Only to gaze upward at my ceiling fan
counting the hours of lost sleep on one hand.

Drowned in a seemingly perpetual despair
trying not to entertain the thought,that "You're not there."
Until i hear your voice in my ear.

And feel your hand on my shoulder,
to keep me from feeling colder.
Building confidence and growing bolder.
are my thoughts of me and you

Indeed the heart is a treacherous ace
often leads us to the wrong place
tells us to trust then stabs our face
makes our senses quicken their pace
and leaves us without a trace
struck in spot usually betrayed
by those we thought we loved.

Good thing my brain took charge this time
and made me see,past the hugs and past the chat
past the games and past all of that.past everything fun
and right to everything bad is the girl and guy that's glad
for they had.What they had was a friendship that ever quite
ended and blossomed and grew since the two befriended.
Just a short while has past though we both matured,we talk
play and converse the things we endured.the lies and slander
the sorrow there after,the weak and cheat,and ALL forms of deceit.

Then laugh at each other if only through a screen
and i lay back down only NOW that i can dream
with your voice in my,mind your warmth felt from miles
your pillow hair accompanied by a smile.
for a moment i believed you were here...

Until i wake up lied to and then.....it happens all again.

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Latest Comments

  • 8 years ago

    by deeplydesturbed

    I really like this!
    Great work Todd :)

    deeplydesturbed xx

  • 12 years ago

    by A Poets Handwriting aka ALISHA

    I agree with 'DreamingOutLoud' - about the writing and feeling thing and the less is more thing. LOL
    ____________________________

    NOW MY TURN:

    I like it, but it does need a little bit of revision. Mainly just shorten it (OMG DID I JUST WRITE THAT?!) because you seem to repeat yourself (and not in an effective way).

    Also, the second last stanza - you lost your format completely here. That whole stanza needs to be re-written to conform with the rest of the poem.

    Again, need to capitalise your 'i' and 'i'm' throughout the piece.

    Corrections:
    7th stanza;
    'struck in spot' I think it should be 'struck in the spot'

    8th stanza;
    'friendship that ever quite..' - should be 'friendship that NEVER quite...'

    9th stanza;
    'voice in my, mind' -- the comma should be AFTER mind not before.

    THE ENDING...
    I'm not sure about the ending. For some reason I'm completely torn. I think I like the fact that you have written it to be continuous, but then again the line just doesn't have much impact as endings usually do. Need to work on this for future writes.

    OVERALL;
    Okay, looking above, I have been quite critical. SORRY if I was too harsh, I don't intend to be, I just want to help you improve your writing. (:
    I really do like the concept of the piece (not the fact that it seems to torment you, but the idea that you are presenting readers).

    Regarding your folder choice again.
    I don't think it belongs in love poems so much. I don't know. To me this was kind of sad, I don't know if that was how you intended but that's how it came across to me. Have a think about it. Your choice.

    Keep writing. 5/5

  • 14 years ago

    by Kate Hicks

    A very good poem, I liked it very much. It had a good flow without too much repetative rhythm. Great emotion, not too sentimental, not too angry, just honest. Very good.

  • 14 years ago

    by Paperdollsletters

    5/5
    so good. and it fits how i feel right now. but please don't capitalize the word/s it bothers me. and the position of the punctuation marks.
    all in all its so nice...

  • 14 years ago

    by Gasttlee

    In your own way, you explain the complexity of love and put it in such a way that it's understandable and everyone can relate to it. It's powerful, really.

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