Scabs [Scattered]

& only once in my life
did I ever make the mistake...
of wishing for heaven

[when in a place like this...
hell is all we have]

The scabs were protection
Over my heart

they made me cringe
So I ripped them off
& let myself bleed again

in something as simple as disgust
I watched them heal over again
& again

[like when I go back for more?]

my skin just peels
cracking - falling off

I don't give wounds time to heal
before deepening the scar

time & time again
tears spring to my eyes
as I throw away the Shields

[can you see my patterns?]

like my heart
I make the mistake
of coming back for more

& look where I lay?

I guess I could have predicted this
pain, pain, pain, pain...

(WHEN WILL I GET A BREAK)

I scratch & scratch at the surface
trying to scrape away this feeling
dirty, worthless, dirty, useless...

[pathetic]

I feel my own filth
& in the mirror I see my eyes
the disappointed look at my reflection

(I'd like to dig my eyes out)

so I wouldn't have to see this
it makes me sick

the blood is dripping out
like a river
of warmth

over this sin

these razorblades
didn't cut deep enough

to dig out the infection
swirling building up
swallowing air

gasping, choking...
sensing this

[I make myself sick]

coming back for more
from you, from him, from hell

I might as well just sign up
for lethal injection

this is a death wish waiting to happen

being in your arms has shown me that much
all of the mistakes I've made
all of the searching I'm doing

leaving you behind is what I need to do

I'm not ready to die

but I'm sick, messed up

insane

in a non-too-perfect way
that way that no one can accept

[they look at me and cringe
in disbelief, disgust...
and wonder how I'm surviving
why am I not in a straight-jacket]

I want to cut the filth away

.....

& get out of your arms

[because I see the look in your eyes
and I can't come back for more...]

x

[[305]]
Akh