The Heart of a Director

The weight of the crown
of the title "Director"
is one I can never refer to myself
I am a director
the thought makes me shiver
Many direct what has nothing to do with theatre
Directors are powerful men

I say I'm a filmmaker
the word just feels 'safer'
so I know it must be a lie
A poor practiced euphenism
endoctrined since Baptism
to keep my true spirit inside

She said I had the heart of a director
Oh god no
The heart of a director
Please don't let it be so
The heart of a neurotic
I don't need to have control
And I don't want to lose my soul
I want to earn my keep
The heart of what director
grows inside of me?

I've never set foot in a studio
or worked behind a desk
Some corporate executive
I've never sat in a chair
with my name on it
or been given my own trailer
All I know is the guerrilla tactics
of location production
Seeing my name on the slate's just surreal
These are all new feelings
I've yet to have to deal

I've never had that life
So how can I imagine something
that I've never tried?
The basis of pretension
The heart of a director
If you say so, then whatever
If you say so, then
why won't you listen?

Directors are powerful men
Just as most of my heroes have been
But they don't define who I am
I'm just a girl with a dream and a camera
who wants to make beautiful things
I'm learning the ropes
and soaking up answers
but I can't see myself as one of the kings
-STOP LAUGHING-
I'm serious
I really don't know
Recognizing someone else's power
does not diminish your own

I have a vision
and I'm getting coordinated
Step by mistep
I follow the rules
so I can break them too
I've tried other things
with more success, mind you
but awards and recognition
pale by comparison
Though it might work for you

The heart of a director
I've been wandering so long
I've lost the point of this whole song
It's now the trainwreck
my experience with film
always becomes