Let Me Out

You can not keep me in this place
no prison can hold me long
But you can go ahead and try
If you think I'll stay, you're wrong

** This is a good opening stanza. It set the mood for the rest of the poem. I (personally) didnt like the last line. I think there is too much emphasis on the comma. The line sounds backwards to me as well, it would flow better as YOUR WRONG IF YOU THINK I'LL STAY. Maybe you could back up a line and combine the two lines into the same thought:

"Try to hold me if you dare,
I am eager to prove you wrong."

This is a more powerful thought as it challenges the reader and catches their attention.

These walls can not hold me
Doesn't matter how they look
This cell remains a cell
But me? I am no crook

** Again, another good stanza, but not great. It seems a little blah; it could use some power words or more details given to help show the imagery of the scene. The third line seems too short compared to the others again, maybe try adding an adjective.

This place does not have windows
The only door is always locked
You've made my mind my prison
What's the matter you look shocked

** I didnt like that the previous two stanzas start off with THESE and THIS. Using two forms of the same base word makes the reader assume you have a limited vocabulary (even if you dont). In the third line, I think you could remove the YOU'VE MADE part and just stick with MY MIND IS A PRISON or MY MIND HAS TRANSFORMED INTO A PRISON. Putting the blame on another person shows that your submissive to them. This poem seems to be about you being strong; and it contradicts the subject of the writing.

You thought I didn't understand
No! I already knew
But none of that will matter
I'll get free, you know it's true

** The only thing I didnt like was the BUT at the start of the third line. Try not to start lines with BUT (Or any form of the word BE). Otherwise it was (yet another) good line (but not quite great).

You will not keep me in this place
no prison can hold me long
Still you go ahead and try
If you think I'll stay, you're wrong

** I really like that you repeat the opening stanza with a very minor but very powerful change. I love that you challenge him to try harder ( just like I suggested earlier).

** Overall, you have another good poem. I think you could benefit on using more powerful words like I CHALLENGE YOU TO TRY instead of GO AHEAD AND TRY; or I WILL ESCAPE YOU instead of I'LL GET FREE. The way its written is good, but use words that the reader can really SHOUT out when they read it alound. Put a real EMPHASIS on your work. This will make a good writer into a great writer.

Just so you know, "Can not" is actually one word when written together like that, so it's "Cannot" or "Can't" :]

"What's the matter you look shocked"
Maybe try
"What's the matter? You look shocked"

I liked this, especially the repetition from the beginning, and then again in the last stanza. :]
I can't really comment much on this because there simply seems to not be many mistakes... it was very well done. I look forward to reading some of your other work. :]
5/5

U r good, I love this poem.

I love the way you expressed this
piece and the imagery was amazing,
you really grasped the idea and put it
into such a wonderful piece.
nicely done. i love the way you said
that your mind was the prison. 5/5

nikki

Your wrong
you'RE wrong

i should be capitalized

I think it's get freeD

I absolutely loved this poem. Ya know what's weird? When you said that your mind is your prision I totally had a flash back. Last year in my english class we had to write about what our prison was (poem form, paragraph, whatever). It was so weird. It's like you had the same teacher. And when I did it my prision was my mind too. :) 5.