Unwanted Fears

I'm laying in my bed and I'm staring at the sealing.
Thinking back of how things were when I was younger.
Everything seemed so good if you look back at it and somehow I wished I took another exit on the road of my life.

I'm happy with myself, but the path I choose is hard and often lonely.
Many people who acted like they shared my visions on life, seemed to lie to me to be with me.
And when they were with me they talked of dreams we shared.
Until now everyone lied and I find it hard to trust anyone who says that they share my dreams and visions.

Many loves I had, broke my heart, laughed at me, saying that I'm nothing else than a hopeless romantic, a toy for the ' player ' type of girls.

I fear that it were my ways of living and thinking that made them like they were to me, cause with most of them I know they weren't lying, but they were pressed on their knees by the grasp of society.
I saw it, I saw it in their eyes, like a bright light singing of peace.
Over the years I saw them die, changing, the light fading out.
The more I was losing them, the more I felt my self fading into the darkness.

Now, I'm alone again.
All my friends sitting around me, and still I feel alone.
Thoughts about suicide become from just a thought to a wanted option.
But even when I feel dead inside, empty like a black hole without a bottom, I feel the need to stay alive, to learn from life itself, to search for that one thing I truly value.
True love.........

My heart has been broken so many times, in so many heartless ways, that I'm afraid to trust those that I truly love.
I know that what they are saying is true, their undying love for me, but I'm scared... Scared to death that they will change, change in one of those heartless creatures who broke my heart to often.
Sometimes I make peace with the idea that it is better to stay alone the rest of my life.
To live for my other true love... Nature...
But that peace does not last long.
Cause if I cant have that what I value the most, my life would not be worth living anymore.

So now I'm lying in my bed, looking at my sealing.
Knowing the path that I choose, is the right path for me.
Cause I will never kneel for society, and they could never take away my freedom.

I just wish they could take away all these unwanted fears......