My Only Way to Cope

There it is once again.
That warm numbing feeling.
Flickering flame in hand,
ending pain and healing.
Burning these aching thoughts,
driving away the pain,
twisting me into knots
and driving me insane.
Yet I rest on this blade
and wield it with my all.
Though all it's ever saved,
is the pain from my fall.
This descent into me,
the deepest hole of all.
Now far too dark to see
Too far to hear my call.
How do I stop falling
when I can't feel the walls?
I just keep on calling,
but no one heeds my calls.
As lost as one can be,
I seek to feel again.
With nothing left in me,
I feel it once again.
It almost feels like hope,
If only for a bit.
My only way to cope,
and I can never quit.

... this poem is vague for a reason, interpret it as you will..