Breaking Point (free verse)

I don't even know what to say about the whole thing.
How did you dig into me that far?
Your claw marks are still on my skin, in my soul, on my heart.
I hate you for making me feel the way I do inside,
And I know it's not entirely your fault....
A lot of it's mine.
But that only makes this gut-wrenching feeling worse.
I lost everything that meant something to me
And when I got it all back...
Well it's not all the same anymore.
And the worse part of it is that no matter how much I despise you
I still find myself thinking of you in a way that should've died the moment I felt regret.
And so I hate those thoughts too.
I can't go so far as to say I hate myself because
I know I have to pull through this, and I will
Despite you and your stupid games.
You played with a child's heart, I let you,
But mostly, you knew all the right buttons to push and looks to give to break me down.
And you did...almost.
I never surrendered completely, but as close as I got is what scares me, terrifies me and shakes me to my inner core.
I'm not sure entirely what I need to say and do, but leaving you is first on my list, and leaving behind everything that drug me to that point of surrendering all that meant so much to me before I met up with you or any of this.
So to end these random thoughts, and spiteful words all of which I meant except that I hate you, because that was too strong to say...I just hate what you've done to me...
I must simply walk away...say goodbye....
And promise myself to NEVER look back.

(free verse I know is out of the ordinary for me, but these thoughts came as they did, and I wrote them as they came. It felt good not to put structure to my feelings and thoughts.)