Tears on the page

I went somewhere today; I went to the place where my life started, where my heart found its beat. The place where I found you, where I found us. I went back to the place where it all began, when all we knew was anxiety and confusion. I wish I could go back to when I didnt know how it all would end. I went somewhere today; I went back to the beginning of the end.

Do you remember every breath, every thought, every second we spent together without care for anything else? Do you remember the way time would stop and everything would disappear when we were together? Or the way that when you kissed me time froze and all that was left was us? I remember everything.

I remember every touch, every kiss, every moment I spent consumed in you. I remember the way it felt every time my heart skipped a beat when I looked in your eyes. I remember the helplessness I felt every time I was without you, and I know the desperation I feel now as I am feeling you slip away. How can someone possibly move forward when so much of who they are is stuck in an unchangeable past?

Each day I live is filled with pain and regret. My world just doesnt seem the same without you in it. I wake up everyday with tears in my eyes, and go to sleep the same way. I live my days dying and waiting for you to come back to me- but you never do. You dont even look back; its like I am invisible. How do you ignore whats right in front of you? I could never walk away from someone I claim to love on a whim, or hurt them for my own selfish reasons... how do you do it?

As the pain worsens, my will to carry on withers and fades into the nothingness that is my life. All I can feel is the numbness of my body. This is the beginning of the end, for us, but mostly for me.

Just tell me, how are you okay? Why doesnt this eat at you the way it does to me? Why dont you hurt, or cry, or mourn the way that I am? As my world comes crashing down and the walls are caving in, all I can do is sit here and cry while my sorrow-filled tears slip from my eyes and pour down my face as they stain the pages beneath. I can barely breathe, or sleep, or think for one second without my heart starting to break. I live my life like its a horrible nightmare I cant wake from. I just cant move on knowing you're gone.

Just tell me why... what's your excuse? You don't just care so much and then stop in the blink of an eye. I want to know.. Do you hurt at all? Did you ever truly care the way you said you did, or the way I do? I dont think so. You will never know or understand what it's like to love the way I loved you. You will never know the pain I know, or feel the hurt I feel. You will never truly understand what it's like to cry until your eyes are dry and wake up at night with a pain so deep in your heart you're afraid if you breathe it will shatter. You will never know.

Now I know I need to get up and move on. I need to walk away and let you fall into the past I try to forget. I should turn away and not look back but we both know its not that easy. I wish I could hide from the misery and the pain, maybe then this would stop killing me. Maybe then I could understand. Maybe I should just be more like you.

I went somewhere today; I went back to the place where we began. The place where I lost my heart, and the place where I set it free. I went back to what is now the beginning of the end. And to this day all I have left is a head full of memories, a heart full of pain, and a page stained with letters and tears.