I did not bleed to know I was alive. the dead don't feel the pain I was feeling. I did not cut because I liked the pain. I was too numb to feel the pain from a blade. So why did I do it? Control. When your life is so chaotic and and your being beaten down from all angles, all you want is control. By taking that razor I was able to cause something I could control. I could start when I wanted. Go as deep as I wanted. I could stop when I wanted. The problem was I was never good at stopping. I did it so much that soon it lost it's effect. Then I had to pair it with alochol. Try and find a new way to control my pain. Between the drinking and smoking two packs a day and cutting I was slowly killing myself. And thats when I realized. That for me to hate losing control so much I sure had a done just that. Im glad I never got into drugs because I know I would be dead right now. What started out as a way to control my pain quickly turned into something that was controlling me.
