I need to tell you something,
but the words, I'm afraid I cannot find -
even though they lie here perfectly -
not to mention safe - inside my mind.
I want to scream it out oh so loud and clear,
but I am stringently held back
by my ever so concrete fear.
Will you accept what I tell you
with unlimited compassion and grace?
Or will I, from your lives', forever be erased?
Should I risk opening my mouth
and face what I'm fearing most?
Or should I keep it quiet -
maybe never go home?
If I open my mouth
I know that questions will be asked -
questions I'm not so sure I can answer.
But before the questions
will come the familiar look
of disappointment and hurt.
This dreadful look I have seen
one too many times before -
I can recognize it easily -
it is burned in me -
deep and to the core.
Two words as simple as "Happy Birthday"
yet so much more complicated to say.
Might as well say
"I'm about to drop a bombshell on you
so you better get out of the way!"
Complicated, yet so simple at the same time;
the road leading to these two words
is a difficult one to climb.
Normally these two words are shared
with happiness but not this time -
my situation's different -
because through future dishonor and fear
I will be sharing mine.
Not only will I be letting you down,
I'll be letting my little brother down too.
I've always tried to be a good role model for him -
but I always managed to screw up
in everything I tried to do.
This will only give him confirmation
that his big sister is a screw up.
I just don't want him to mess up -
that's my job -
I am the family f__ up.
This will only prove right
what my older brother has told me
so many times before,
"Stop trying to make them proud,
it's a waste of your time,
you aren't good enough anymore."
I don't want that -
I don't want things to go back to the way they were -
but if I get up the guts to share this news -
I'm afraid that all of the above will occur.
If I dare say these two words,
you're going to want me to say more words -
words so well rehearsed in my mind.
I would try to speak and tell you those words -
but they'd come out wrong,
so I would only be lying.
Maybe I won't tell you -
because I know that all I could say is
"I'm sorry"
as you sit there jaw's dropped to the floor in awe -
"I'm sorry...
mom and dad...
that you're going to be a grandma and grandpa."
