Trapped In You

Thank you for the comment it really does mean a lot, I didn't use a conventional rhyme for the second last line, just to mix things up a bit, but I did use assonance so that it didn't sound too off-rhyme. Thanks again.

I just read it again, and I still stand by my comment about the second to last line. I wanted to leave this comment, though, because when I commented before, I didn’t write about the flow and emotion of the piece. The flow was obviously very good, and simplistic. Each line rhyming with the line before and in such short, and tidy lines. I felt the piece was filled with genuine, powerful and heart-felt emotion. Even though the words themselves suggest differently, I think the character at the beginning is innocent and lacks strength, but by the end, they’re stronger, and hardened by this broken and straining love. This piece is going on ‘my favourites’. It’s great!

Brad

I liked this piece, a lot, and I mean A LOT! I didn’t think using the same rhyme throughout a poem could be so effective and powerful. I thought it was just be dull and monotonous, but you’ve made it exciting and wonderful. I can safely say, you’ve inspired me. I mean, I don’t want to sound like a cliché, but it’s true, you have. You’ve made me a believer. I must say, though, I can see your intention in that second from last line, that doesn’t rhyme, but I think it would’ve been better to continue the formula all the way through to the end. As I said though, all in all, and great poem!

Brad

P.S. Thank you for your comments on my piece 'When'. It's a personal favourite of mine.

This is well written. I like this a whole lot. I can totally relate to this big time.

I know the feeling. This poem is really good. It moves something in me. I find it so amazing how just some simple words stringed together one after another can bring out such deep feelings. Anyways, I really enjoyed this. Great work! =]
--Viola

p.s. Thanks for the comment on mine. :)