This is what happened with me & I don't know what purpose is the right way.
I've had 1. Devil trying to be my friend, to steal my soul, when I was little. I used to bite my arms. Hating myself for the wrongs I've done. Yet I was happy to go to church because Jesus loves me. Loved hearing about Him.
2. Devil began seducing me at the age of 13. Too many demons too much to deal with. Really actually feeling their touch. One time actually wanted to look for that attention, even though I knew it was bad.
3. My 1st pet cat passed away in November 12, 1999 Friday morning at 6:46am. She's the first I ever saw die. Not counting the killing of bugs. Wonder if I should be killing bugs.
4. Accepted Jesus as Lord & Savior at 16 in my room alone.
5. Wandering through wanting to commit suicide/kill people & wanting to get closer to God. To be safe & to pray for souls to be guided home too.
6. Prayed, did Bible Studies on my own, & worshiped in songs. Spoke more easily to Him in certain songs. I got to the point of feeling as if I was almost home. I decided not to watch the Paxtv anymore because they took off my favorite program "Worship Network". I prayed for God to bring me a godly channel that speaks only of truth of the trinity. He did.
7. He told me not to be with the guy, but I was holding on to hope for the guy. The fruits of the spirit were growing & I could see it growing. Lost it all in one moment of pleasure. My virginity, respect for myself & from others, sinned against God, made the guy an idol (aka. thought that he was more important to hang around with than going to church), wanted to kill myself (aka. sinful thoughts), & other thing(s).
8. I went with another guy & later found out through prayer that he was using me for the moment. Regretfully missing the Rev.Dr.Jearock Lee Crusade in Madison Square Garden of June '06.
9. I rejected the 3rd guy I dated that year. Told him I didn't want to make another mistake. So he never came back. Which meant that he never wanted to date me. He only wanted one thing.
10. Now the devil has me thinking that I'm nothing, worthless, unwanted, not able to be used, etc.
My family stopped going to church in '92. I want to stay with them to help them out. Yet should I go or should I stay. At first I thought I should, but not I'm not so sure.
I almost got raped in my building late last year. They didn't catch the guy. At first I didn't think of praying for such people, but now it's different because I'm just like them. I sin too so I should pray for them too.
It's a struggle, but I also still don't know what I should be doing. What's the point in defending animals if they're continually being eaten by people & I'm one of them? Should I then be an evangelist???
These & other things go through my mind. I know it must've been God who saved me that night.
This is my testimony.
What now keep on searching??? I won't give up hope, my belief that God exists & to try harder to be a good child this time.
nightmares are back again since late last month or so. at least there's no migranes.
God bless
