I look in the mirror and I see you staring back at me. I close my eyes and I can see your face as clear as day. I open my ears and I can hear you speaking to me like you did when I was three. I can feel the warmth of your smile. I can see the love in your touch.
I remember everything. I remember the fun we use to have. I remember when I was your little girl. I remember the faimly as it use to be. I remember everything I have come to miss. I remember the person I use to think you were. I remember how I use to think you could do no wrong. I remember when we could talk without bringing up the painful past and I remember when I actully wanted to be with you. But right now, all I can remember is all the pain you have put me through.
I just can't. I can't help I rather live with mom. I can't help that everything has gone totally wrong. I can't change the painful facts. I can't erase all the hurtful words. I can't take nothing back. I can't help it when I don't feel like trying anymore. I can't fix everything on my own. I can't fix things with a hug or a kiss. I can't go on like this anymore.
I try... I try so hard to ignore it. I try to just go with my life. I try not to think about it, and I try not to worry over it. I try include you but it is so hard at times. I try, oh God do I try. I try to make you proud. I try to win your love again. I try to get what I miss. I try to be good enough for your family. I try so hard not to be like you. I try to make myself better all the time.
It is so hard. So hard to tell you how I feel. It is so hard to make you listen to the words coming out of my mouth. It is so hard to make you understand. It is so hard to try and remember when it hurts this bad. It's so hard to tell you something you don't want to hear, and it is so hard not to take all this pain out on someone else. It's so hard to keep it all inside so I'm not weak on the outside which makes it so hard to keep the tears at bay at night.
I don't want to. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to yell. I don't want to scream or run, and I don't want to lose everything. I just don't want to feel so low when you act like you don't care. I don't want to feel like you hate me. I don't want to feel at all anymore. I don't want to be alive; I don't want to be awake. I just don't want to be me. I don't want to be anything like you.
Why? Why can't you love me? Why can't you forgive me? Why can't you help me? Why can't you be that dad I need? Why can't you be here for me when I need you? Why do let me go through this hell? Why don't you even care? Why is all my fault when it takes two to tango? Why? Why? Why? Why have you done this to me?
I love you. I miss you. I need you. But it don't matter... The bridge has been burnt, the path has been blocked, and the crack has parted. There is no going back to the beginning and starting again... There is no reset button. Even if we stop fighting, there is no hope for us. We have gone too far. We have been gone for too long. Will never be my daddy again. Anyone can be a dad... but it takes someone special to be a daddy and that you'll never be again.
