The raw emotion used to write this is really amazing. I think it takes guts to write about something like this. I looked at your other poems too and I think you should step away from rhymes. Not being so tangled in making everything rhyme will give you more freedom and let you be less literal. I know... I spent years only writing in rhymes, but its cool to try something new :)

Your poem was full of emotion pain and unrequited love it inspired a memory in me that I had almost forgotten. Another young man who died because he thought he would never be able to be with his love. He never got to see any of his tomorrows and I always wonder what good things were never done because he left too soon