Hmm... this would make a good quote.... i don't think that it is ready for the poem stage. it is a REALLY good start, don't get me wrong, maybe add more to it, and it could be wonderful!!!!! :o]

This is an outstanding start,
keep it up
has great potential =)

Aha! This is better. Another Senryu. You should write that somewhere, so people know when they read it. Otherwise they think it is just a short poem, like the people above me did.
You're word choice in this was much better, and I love the sadness this holds. Excellently written.

Tammie