This poem had a lot of emotion and power behind it. I think the only thinkg you can do is GET RID OF ALL THOSE COMMAS! It totally breaks your flow. You don't need a comment after every line. Other than that though... Your rhyming was beautiful. And the story line/thought. Was great. I really liked this part:

Confused he knew he'd never fit,
Into this ugly world,
He'd never find acceptance here,
Using drugs and girls,

To help out with your commas.. try just going like this:

Confused he knew he'd never fit. Into this ugly world. He'd never find acceptance here; Using drugs and girls.

But most poets usually don't use periods so you end up with

Confused he knew he'd never fit
Into this ugly world.
He'd never find acceptance here
Using drugs and girls.

There we go. Sorry it was bugging me :)

Overall:

Great poem

5/5

Perfect flow until the end, but this one has a rather nice conclusion.:) I like your writing.You migh actually enjoy mine, too. This peice is nice. I do love your flow. It's natural and unforced.

I like the message bhind the poem, but the flow was off for me in a couple of places.

He learned a lot as he grew up,
Became intelligent,
But one thing that he never learned,
His heart would always yearn,

For something, somewhere, someplace,
Something so secreted,
And each attempt to cure this pain,
Concludes in tragic vein,

These 2 stanzas did not flow into the others as nicely as the rest, changing a couple words or rearranging might help it out a bit. It was an enjoyable read though. Good job.

Wow this poem was very very good, i love the story behind it, its sad, but also has an awesome poem to read. great job

Love the story within the poem, loved the flow, the ending was not what i expected, it was surprising, but i loved it all the same great work.

I like the story line in this, it's fairly original. There were a couple of things that bugged me though. The punctuation, a comma isn't needed after every line, it makes the reader pause when one isn't needed. Reading through it will make that obvious. Another thing, if you are going to have rhyming in your poem, make sure the rhyme scheme, or even just rhyming, stays the same the whole way through. It puts the flow off if you don't.
I love this stanza;
'When that failed he turned to love,
Or something of the kind,
Using girls to fill his heart,
They couldn't cure his mind'

It just flowed so well to me, and I love the content.
This stanza, however, was very off flow;
'He learned a lot as he grew up,
Became intelligent,
But one thing he never learned,
His heart would always yearn'

As was the second last one, where your rhyming just before it was perfect and it was so easy to read through, then bam, that one just stopped it, right before the end.

I did enjoy this piece though, you kept me interested the whole way through and you told a good story.

Tammie

WOW..i actually read that poem twice, i enjoyed it so much!..i loved how it was a story & it flowed so smoothly..
amazing write!

Brooke<3

Not much can pull off a long poem, but yours was just amazing.
It's sad, but it has a lot of feeling.
Great job!
5/5

*Cindy*

REALLY AMAAZING!!!
great job 5/5 :)

I really like this one Ive read the other two before it, and this is the one I want ot comment on. the rhyming pattern jumps off track a bit here and there, but its no big deal. I really like how its starts out sad and ends with such possitivity. I truly believe that one cant love others unless they love themselfs. And you nailed that topic on the head.

I think you might like a poem I wrote called

"The Answer" do me a favor and read it and let me know what you think.

This is really good....:)

I actually am interested in writing a poem like this, like telling the world a bit about ourselves. The emotion embroidered in this piece is really amazing, I bet there is more than 6 emotions went through the mind of this 'Himself' while he's writing this. Well, it is just a guess, do not take it seriously.

And also, I like the storyline in here. Well-penned! :D