My clear blue skies are turning grey. I have felt pain before, but it has never been like this.
It is impossible to explain the way I am feeling and acting. It is like being stuck at the bottom of a very deep hole, which keeps getting deeper. The small patch overhead is slowly shrinking as you fall further and further. You try so hard to pull yourself out, but with each attempt to climb out, the foot holes shatter and break, leaving you more broken and bruised than you were before as you land. You land hard against the familiar ground, being put back in your place. Every now and then a familiar face comes along and lends you a hand, but eventually they let go, realizing you weren't worth the effort. You tell yourself you just need to get out, it may be painful but it will be worth it when you are free.
A stranger came along one day. He offered me his hand, just like the ones before him had. And although he let go once or twice, he was still there, trying again. I just kept falling deeper, and he just kept reaching. And as he kept reaching I realized I was pulling him down into my hole with me. I wanted him to understand how it felt, to be in my position, so I let him keep falling into the hole. I was being selfish; I wanted him all to myself. I just wanted someone to be there for me. I noticed that he was slowly pulling away, despite the fact he told me he would always stay. And so I let him go. It was not fair to keep him all to myself. It was not fair to keep playing the games that hurt him so. And so I let him go. Although he promised he would still always be there, waiting above my deep dark hole, he will never be in it like he was before. I am not selfish enough to drag him back into my hole despite my desperate longing to have him back. But now he is gone even further away, he is walking away with someone else. I try to tell myself I don not care, that it is only fair. But I can not seem to believe it. How come I am left all alone down here when everyone else has someone there to fall on. But that is how it has always been. I only have myself to blame for letting myself trust someone when I knew I should not have.
It is different now; at least before the skies above had been blue, but now they are black and as the rain begins to fall, it pours. If you do not get out quickly, you are going to drown. But the thought of drowning does not seem so bad anymore compared to the aching that lies within you.
If this pain does not kill me, the loneliness will.
Sorry it is so long, I just had to write something... anything.
