Wow i loved this one
it was almost mesmerising
although,spacing it and putting into stanzas could make it look abit more affective.
but it is truly my favourite work of yours.
take care:)

Wow this is really beautifully written.

I do agree about breaking it down into stanzas.

besides that, it's really really good:)

keep it up:)
5/5

I don't know if I really agree with the above comments. I never like telling people to change anything about their poemStanzas because really, if they're so bad that I have to correct them, I'd rather just not comment so that they can just get defensive and ignore whatever I say~
Addition of stanzas would help, yes, but I also like the simplicity of this poem, and I think it works fine the way it is.
Well done! And keep writing~

Wow... this is great, so original. I like the whole metaphor and the way you wrote this piece. Your descriptions are very vivid and this poem is touchingly deep.
Keep up!

Hi mate enjoyed it for what it is, not what it could be, nice one..