Making Scabs Taste Like Victory

by DepthofPassion   Nov 11, 2007


This still has a lot of work to be done to it. However, I felt that your suggestions might come in handy while repairing it. Any comments good or bad are welcomed.
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Your lies flood my ears like time weighing down on my shoulders.
Innocence slips away like a fly escaping an angry housewife.
Hope is lost in a mixing bowl of pride,
stir in a dash of sarcasm
and we have ourselves a breakfast for champs.
Making scabs taste just like victory to me.
Pick them one by one and then start over with a fresh canvas of prayer.
Your eyes glimmer with poison,
and I can smell the deception on your breath
.Your arms strangle me as the sun engulfs the sea.
The smell of your gasoline perfume overpowers what once was
and your lies flood my ears like the time weighing down on my shoulders,
making scabs taste simply like victory.

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  • 16 years ago

    by xTheEcstasyOfSuicidex

    First off, I'd change the name to "Scabs Taste Simply Like Victory"
    Because that was the last line of the poem, and I just love "simply" in there for some reason.

    Usually, I'd tear everything a part, piece by piece and have my say with each line
    but all these lines are so amazing, I can't do that. They all stand out and it's great.

    Problem is, me being me, I'm going to gripe about formation. Obviously you don't have any (which is sometimes fine) but in this poem it <<craves>> to be put into some type of form.

    I really like this, but seriously form would make it ten times better.
    Somehow, it just puts more emotion into the poem, form does.
    Maybe because you usually don't think in one huge long line, but you pause and think it through, you know?

    Anyways.
    You're amazing
    and you're writing's great.
    It's wonderful watching my best friend's writing grow and grow.

    And.
    We should <<definately>> collab together.
    Now?
    Whenever.
    Just message me/IM me on msn sometime.
    xox.

    xTheEcstasyofSuicidex 5.5

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