I let my best friend die

I sit alone in my dark house
missing my best friend.
I could have saved him but I didn't.
I had "better" things to do and now he's gone.
I took time for granted,
I never told him how I felt.
I always thought he just knew.
I always thought there would be plenty of time.
I never told him what he meant to me,
how special he was
or how much I loved him
and now he'll never know.
He was tired of the let downs
and decided it was his time to go.
So now I sit here alone just thinking.
Thinking about how it must have felt
to stand there alone,
thinking that life was hopeless
and then what it felt like
when he put the bullet through his head.
Did he feel any pain?
Did he realize in that last split second
that he had made a mistake?
Did he think about me
before he pulled the trigger?
Did he think that I didn't really care?
Because if he did think that, he was wrong.
He was my best friend,
the only person who understood me,
the only person who could
snap me out of my bad days
by just letting me talk and really listening.
I never had to explain myself,
he always just knew what I meant.
I used to go visit him at his house
and we'd watch movies or just sit outside and talk.
We would ride around for hours
and he'd sit with me at work when I was scared.
Now I visit him at the cemetary.
I sit at his grave and talk to him,
I ask him if he knew that I loved him.
I ask him why he left me behind.
I ask him why he didn't just wait,
that I was about to call him back.
I tell him that I'm so mad at him,
and that I know I was the one who let him die.
I tell him I'm sorry for not being there,
for not answering the phone that day.
I wish I could have just taken his pain away.
I sit at his grave and ask him,
"Jon, if there IS a heaven
and you're there right now watching over me,
please give me a sign"
and I never get one.
It makes me wonder if it's true,
that when we die we go to heaven.
Then I realized that we don't.
It's like turning off a tv.
We just go blank inside.
But that idea sounds nice right now
just turning off all the pain and hurt
because I can't take this anymore.
I can't take the guilt,
the sadness,
and knowing that it's all my fault,
that I let my best friend die
by not being there when he needed me the most