Therapy Session - Part 1

Tonight I actually sat down and reflected on what I'd like my life to be like. Thoughts here and there about who I want to be, but more importantly who I'd want to be with. I mean is it just me or is love the only thing in life that matters? I can't honestly sit here and say that money won't make me happy, because the truth is I've never had it. Don't get me wrong I've had the low paying, long hour, thankless job that we've all had at one time or another, but let's be honest theres a big difference between having money and having money.

Truthfully I can sit here and say that without a doubt money would make things a whole lot easier, no more wasting your life away for a useless paycheck at another useless job, but who am I to discuss useless. The fact of the matter is it's hard to take my mind off of money when it seems to be the only thing anybody cares about anymore, because it certainly isn't love. I've driven down the road of lust to many times, and the signs on the road as I pass by with my eyes closed, just become even more of a blur. But I often wonder, even if I pick my head up and open my eyes, and just somehow see past the fog if only for a moment, will it really make a difference? On the road I've chosen to go down for the time being, theres no place to turn and the people in the cars behind me are riding my ass to continue at this pace, sometimes I wonder if the only way to get out of this mess is to slam on the brakes. I know it seems dangerous and risky, but trust me it's bound to happen sooner or later, so why not now while I'm ready? Why not now when it may be the only time I control my own destiny?

I have been in love before, but I honestly feel no different then anybody else, because I know most of us have experienced it in the same way. The young high school sweethearts who spend every single moment with each other, whispering deceiving words of I love you as if they were saying hello to a passing friend in the hallway. It will always be easy to look around in a crowded room and find somebody your attracted to, I've done it a few times myself and I'm sure I've been spotted from a distance my fair share of times as well. The only problem with that is, it has absolutely no bearing to love whatsoever, and in retrospect it never has nor will it ever.

I often find myself meeting a girl and liking who she is at first impression, so I continue to spend time with her only to find out she isn't who I thought she was at all, not even close. I guess you could say my judgement is a bit off, but am I really the one to blame when somebody with a fake smile obstructs my vision, blocks me from seeing what I'm really trying to see, or at least wishing to see? Maybe it's my fault for thinking somebody could really make me happy forever, how stupid of me I always thought, Until....

One day I just stopped looking for love or trying to find it, I just completely took the idea right from my head, and things seemed to be a lot better. Then one day when I was least expected, love burst through the door like a strong gust of wind wiping me off my feet sending me crashing to the floor, it was the best pain I've ever felt. After first talking and discussing with each other who we were and what we enjoyed, I began to like this girl, a lot, but once again I'm back to square one. My biggest fear came into play, what if this perfect girl isn't as perfect as I think she is? Will everything I enjoy about her quickly become a blur like the many signs I've passed on the road of broken dreams? I couldn't help but react with a negative thought of yes, as I've never really had the opportunity to say no, even though I may have a few times to ease my own pain.

I thought about this dilemma for a little while longer, and after I ceased to be so narrow minded I realized something I should have noticed all along. This girl isn't perfect, she like the rest of us has flaws, she always has and always will, although I absolutely hate admitting it, it's true. I never could have pictured myself admitting that somebody I held so dear to my heart could be anything less then perfect, I guess we all do that. The funny thing is I know I'm not perfect either I'm not afraid to admit it, but the important thing isn't whether she or I is perfect, it's whether or not we're perfect for each other. I'll save you all the heartache and the trips down dead end roads, nobody you ever meet will be perfect and neither are you, but the only thing that matters is that you love and care for each other. Not the money, the expensive jewelery, the fancy sports car your father bought you when you graduated, but the absolute vulnerability you feel when you stare into their eyes, thats what truly matters.

I'm absolutely ecstatic that I gave her the chance to show me who she was instead of just turning her away like the rest of the disappointments I've come to know. I'm truly honored to be able to say that she's the girl I want to wake up next to everyday for the rest of my life, and I can do so without hesitation or fear of being let down, I trust her with everything I am and everything I have.

Money can only take you so far in life, it can only buy you so many mansions and so many Lamborghini's before you realize your bankrupt and you wasted your life valuing things that never mattered in the first place. By that time it'll be to late, you'll be headed home on the road of broken dreams to your empty house with nothing but a few dozen empty rooms to call your own. Maybe I don't have all that, and I probably never will, but I have one thing your mansions and your cars will never add up to, and thats true love. I'd rather go my whole life with nothing but love, then go my whole life with everything but love. I love you beautiful and you've opened my eyes to things I never thought I'd see, I can't thank you enough for showing me what true love is and saving me before it was to late. Your my world, my heart, my everything. Love you forever.

This session is over~