Numbness & Sacrifice

{forgive me for commenting twice,
the first one messed up}

You make me feel more alive than I ever have,
~{interesting introduction, though slightly cliche (not holding it against you; I do the same thing all the time!). It's "kinda" eye-catching, but not an "omg this looks good" first line.}

Yet you're slowly killing me more than I'd claim.
~{Love it. Totally make the first line make 100% sense and although it's a cliche idea, you bring it to light in a more unique, sort of consensual way.}

How can that be possible both at the same time?
~{Okay, question, eh, something I'd do. I actually like it, I just... It seems too formal a question. Sorry, though, it's probably sleep depravation that makes me so picky! So this line is probably fine in my normal states' opinion!}

'Sometimes our hearts make the wrong & right thing the same'
~{First of all, I wonder, "What's up with the quote marks?" and secondly, in my head "&" is a big no-no. Always write the word out! =] You may do as you wish, but that's just my helpful hint. And as a follow-up to the third line, I can only wonder if this is supposed to be the answer... cause if it is, I don't see how it is that clear. Maybe you wanted to leave a mystique sort of aura about that question...}

Love is never simple in the easiest of situations
And this one is no exception to any rule
~{I think you should add a semi-colon at the end of this sentence, just for the sake of the flow, and other than that, these two lines mesh nicely together!}

I'm hoping with everything I have that you're honest
Otherwise I'm left to look like the naive fool.
~{These two lines are kinda iffy; I think they're more personal than they are meant to reach out to the reader, so the reader may not quite be able to relate.... although oddly I can, so why am I saying that? AHHH! I'm going crazy! Oh, the comment. I particularly like the third line, because that I know more than anything to be a fact. You have to hope that the person who you love is being honest because you have no defense against the fact that they may not be}

I'd rather be able to leave you behind,
~{no comma}
Without a trace of the warm memories we shared,
~{Bitterness in these two lines. I like it. Again, cliche thought, but a unique presentation =] Well done.}

Which linger, with the sound of your solemn voice
And the way it made you seem like you truly cared.
~{More bitterness, and these two lines add to the intensity of the verse. I love the last line especially, because it's always inevitable to fall for someone, and if you think someone fell for you, it hurts to find out they never really did, or did completely. I know just what you feel. =]}

At times I wish there was a way I could numb myself,
From not just the lows, but the highs we can feel too.
~{Interesting perspective. Not only numb from the bad, but the good as well? Is that what you're getting at? Hmmm, now that is completely unique in my eyes. I'm still debating on how positive that would turn out. Guess I'll have to wait and see =]}

Be able to turn that numbness off whenever I want,
Because being cold hearted isn't a good trait unless on cue.
~{I have to admit, I was pretty disappointed by the last two lines in this verse. I was expecting some explanation as to whyyyyyyy you wanted to numb both the good and the bad; I'll have to see if the explanation comes later. But these two lines separately, they are OK... they aren't outstanding, nor do they stand out. Personally, the third line is better than the fourth. The fourth seems more forced, more focused on the rhyme than the meaning}

Then I wouldn't have to miss you at all once you're gone
Or have this love left in my heart on a one way street,
~{The set-up of this sentence breaks up the flow and is pretty confusing. The in, in the second line, is confusing. I think you need to add some sort of punctuation in here so that the reader knows where to go.}

Then I wouldn't have felt the way I did when I was in your arms
Or miss the way you made me feel complete.
~{By the end of the verse, I understand why you want to be numbed from both the good and the bad. That's a good thing, since I got what I was looking for, and you have appeased my yearning for reasoning in a unique and pretty way too! =]}

[ah, the last verse]

But it's come to my attention that to feel is to be alive,
From the euphoria of love, to the sorrow of heartbreak,
~{Love love love this line. "from the euphoria of love" ah, it's just such a beautiful metaphor I believe and it just hits and I can understand the whole poem by just reading these two lines! I love it! Great job!}

Which includes all those highs and lows in between,
And in want of better, we must put happiness at stake.
~{I love the ending. It could have been stronger, but it also could have been MUCH weaker! You ended this in a negatively positive aura, and I like it.}

Overall:
The poem had a lot of cliche ideas at the beginning, but soon you got into your own sort of flow and the creativity flew, and it shows! You did a wonderful job in this poem and you should be proud of yourself. Just remember that the flow comes second, but the context comes first!

I hope you liked the comment. Now you know why I procrastinate! =]

well done,

5/5

~Stephen White

You make me feel more alive than I ever have,
~{interesting introduction, though slightly cliche (not holding it against you; I do

the same thing all the time!). It's "kinda" eye-catching, but not an "omg this looks

good" first line.}

Yet you're slowly killing me more than I'd claim.
~{Love it. Totally make the first line make 100% sense and although it's a cliche idea,

you bring it to light in a more unique, sort of consensual way.}

How can that be possible both at the same time?
~{Okay, question, eh, something I'd do. I actually like it, I just... It seems too formal a

question. Sorry, though, it's probably sleep depravation that makes me so picky! So

this line is probably fine in my normal states' opinion!}

'Sometimes our hearts make the wrong & right thing the same'
~{First of all, I wonder, "What's up with the quote marks?" and secondly, in my head

"&" is a big no-no. Always write the word out! =] You may do as you wish, but

that's just my helpful hint. And as a follow-up to the third line, I can only wonder if

this is supposed to be the answer... cause if it is, I don't see how it is that clear.

Maybe you wanted to leave a mystique sort of aura about that question...}

Love is never simple in the easiest of situations
And this one is no exception to any rule
~{I think you should add a semi-colon at the end of this sentence, just for the sake

of the flow, and other than that, these two lines mesh nicely together!}

I'm hoping with everything I have that you're honest
Otherwise I'm left to look like the naive fool.
~{These two lines are kinda iffy; I think they're more personal than they are meant to

reach out to the reader, so the reader may not quite be able to relate.... although

oddly I can, so why am I saying that? AHHH! I'm going crazy! Oh, the comment. I

particularly like the third line, because that I know more than anything to be a fact.

You have to hope that the person who you love is being honest because you have

no defense against the fact that they may not be}

I'd rather be able to leave you behind,
~{no comma}
Without a trace of the warm memories we shared,
~{Bitterness in these two lines. I like it. Again, cliche thought, but a unique

presentation =] Well done.}

Which linger, with the sound of your solemn voice
And the way it made you seem like you truly cared.
~{More bitterness, and these two lines add to the intensity of the verse. I love the

last line especially, because it's always inevitable to fall for someone, and if you

think someone fell for you, it hurts to find out they never really did, or did

completely. I know just what you feel. =]}

At times I wish there was a way I could numb myself,
From not just the lows, but the highs we can feel too.
~{Interesting perspective. Not only numb from the bad, but the good as well? Is that

what you're getting at? Hmmm, now that is completely unique in my eyes. I'm still

debating on how positive that would turn out. Guess I'll have to wait and see =]}

Be able to turn that numbness off whenever I want,
Because being cold hearted isn't a good trait unless on cue.
~{I have to admit, I was pretty disappointed by the last two lines in this verse. I was

expecting some explanation as to whyyyyyyy you wanted to numb both the good

and the bad; I'll have to see if the explanation comes later. But these two lines

separately, they are OK... they aren't outstanding, nor do they stand out. Personally,

the third line is better than the fourth. The fourth seems more forced, more focused

on the rhyme than the meaning}

Then I wouldn't have to miss you at all once you're gone
Or have this love left in my heart on a one way street,
~{The set-up of this sentence breaks up the flow and is pretty confusing. The in, in

the second line, is confusing. I think you need to add some sort of punctuation in

here so that the reader knows where to go.}

Then I wouldn't have felt the way I did when I was in your arms
Or miss the way you made me feel complete.
~{By the end of the verse, I understand why you want to be numbed from both the

good and the bad. That's a good thing, since I got what I was looking for, and you

have appeased my yearning for reasoning in a unique and pretty way too! =]}

[ah, the last verse]

But it's come to my attention that to feel is to be alive,
From the euphoria of love, to the sorrow of heartbreak,
~{Love love love this line. "from the euphoria of love" ah, it's just such a beautiful

metaphor I believe and it just hits and I can understand the whole poem by just

reading these two lines! I love it! Great job!}

Which includes all those highs and lows in between,
And in want of better, we must put happiness at stake.
~{I love the ending. It could have been stronger, but it also could have been MUCH

weaker! You ended this in a negatively positive aura, and I like it.}

Overall:
The poem had a lot of cliche ideas at the beginning, but soon you got into your own

sort of flow and the creativity flew, and it shows! You did a wonderful job in this

poem and you should be proud of yourself. Just remember that the flow comes

second, but the context comes first!

I hope you liked the comment. Now you know why I procrastinate! =]

well done,

5/5

~Stephen White

"And in want of better, we must put happiness at stake."

A perfect and powerful ending to a beautifully written piece. Your choice of language and flow helped produce a very well written and effective poem.

"I'd rather be able to leave you behind,
Without a trace of the warm memories we shared,
Which linger, with the sound of your solemn voice"

This was brilliantly worded. The imagery and choice of emotive language and vocabulary helped formulate the intense atmosphere this poem has.

Again, well done, Tammie. (:

Wow this was just beautiful. Your language just blew me away and held an immense amount of meaning. I loved how deeply you described each emotion, it had me hooked from beginning to end. I could tell it came from the depths of your heart because everything just felt so real and true.

Beautifully heartbreaking *5/5*

Sad and full emotion. I loved the third stanza. Great poem 5/5

<mOnStRiTo'S pRiNcEsS>