Horrible Nightmare

I hate it when you realize
that your beautiful dream of life
is a horrible nightmare.
But I didn't realize until it was over.

He never loved me.
But I gave him my whole heart.
He just played with it for a while
and gave it back,bruised and broken.

I let him control me.
He must have seen me as a slave.
The ironic thing is
I just wanted him to love me.

But he will always love her.
She is his only love.
The rest of us are just things.
And when she wants him,we're gone.

Does he even realize
that she's using him?
Just like he used me.

I've been convincing myself
that I don't miss him.
That I don't love him anymore.
Then he talked to me.

Almost as soon as he said "hi"
I started shaking,I was near tears.
And I realized I had been waiting.
I had been waiting to talk to him.

When I couldn't torture myself anymore,
I went to bed,which turned worse.
I was scared to sleep
and afraid to think.

Whenever I fell asleep
It was the attack of the "what ifs"
or even worse, the memories.
I kept waking up hating myself.

Hating myself for dating him.
Hating myself for letting him use me.
Hating myself for missing him.
And hating myself for still loving him.