It's the fact that he's leaving... I'm not going to be able to look up at him anymore... I'm not going to be able to say "I Love You Dad." It's the fact that he's leaving and he doesn't seem to care. I won't be able to call him when I have my first child. He will never hear the words, "Grandpa." He's leaving... and he doesn't even want to do anything about it.
My father is dying.
My father is committing suicide.
He has lung cancer and a brain tumor.
Yet he still smokes. The Cancer Stick.
Sometimes I ask myself, why? The answers to my questions are hidden deep within. Maybe I will never know those answers. Maybe right now I think that I need to know those answers... but sometimes things are better left unsaid. I don't understand why he gave up so fast on his self. I don't understand why he gave up so fast on us. I don't understand what it feels like to have cancer or to know that any day it could happen... any day it could get worse and any day you could be gone... I don't know how that feels. But i know how it feels to watch your father die... And feel like you can't do anything about it. It's like, a helpless child laying in your hands and they're out of breath... and you want to do everything in your power to save them... But you can't. It's like, you're trying so hard for him to understand but the words and the pain in our faces are a blur to him. It's like, all the important things don't matter anymore... Just the fact that he wants to live, up until his last moment, like he used to. He wants to pretend that he isn't sick and he never was. He wants to shove the pain away because he thinks that by doing that it'll make everything okay again.
*
It's the fact that I do everything in my power to fight for you to stay. I do everything in my power to show you that I'm the one that needs you. I do everything to show you that I'm loyal and you should trust me. But maybe I'm doing too much. Maybe you don't want me and ALL of me. Maybe you just want parts of me little by little and I didn't quite understand that because I didn't want to understand it. I don't want you to walk away. I don't want you to leave me just because you can. I want you to explain to me why I'm somehow not good enough for you to want me to stay... How come I'm not good enough to be in your life? How come I'm not worth a second shot. How come you can't take the time to take into consideration how much I might actually mean to you if you let me go... Will you hurt? Will you cry if this is over? Stop taking me for granted. Realize that you have me now... and if you're going to hurt when it's over, then don't let it be over. Find me now, deep in your heart. Let me be in your heart. Let me hold your heart with my two hands and trust me with your heart. Let your soul free. Don't stop yourself. Don't hold back. Fall in love with me. Fall in love with me and tell me you love me.... and when you say it to me, mean it.
Don't let me go.
Tell me you want me to fight for you.
I trust you with my heart.
Can you trust me with yours?
I love you.
*
"I don't make promises to you because I know you don't believe in promises. But right now, through everything, because I'm your best friend, you have to believe me when i say, Everything will be okay. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.... It will be okay."
