In This Life

OK I'm not saying I've had the worst life possible; I'm not denying the fact that there are worse things out there, that there are people out there having it worse then I have had it my entire life. I'm not saying that my life as it is, is worse then the other nutty stuff that is going on in the world. What I am saying is that after you read this.. you will see why I have had a tough life, and why I am writing this poem today.
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I guess you could say it all started when I was two
My Dad had passed away and I only had my mum
I barely knew my Dad to begin with
But the beginning of my life without him had come

As much as I love him deep down and
As much as I want him here right this very moment
At the same, I don't
I hate him for leaving me and not being there

Being without a parent, has caused me to
Turn towards my Mum more, we're like best friends
I know that even if I disappoint her, she will be there
No matter whatever may happen

I count on her more then anyone
Because out of all; she's always been the one
I can turn to, the one who understands
That how I feel is so 'unsure' and the one who cares

I have 5 other siblings I don't get on with like I should
Deep inside that burns; kills me so
But how can I be there for them like they want and
When it comes to me, there've never been there

I used to be so close to my brother Steven
But now it seems we've lost each other
Our relationship just isn't what it once was
Which is something we never thought would happen

My sister Kylie, well she's just so different
She's the type who blames the world and blames mum
For all her problems and Dad for getting sick
And leaving her when she was just the age of seven

Me and her, we never clicked..
Yet we're the only girls of the siblings
I'm the tomboy, I'm the one
Who played football and cricket when I was growing up

She was into the makeup and the boys
And I had no interest in them at all
Being only five years younger
Has always made me so much wiser

In this life of mine, the life I live
I try not to get emotional and all worked up
But I guess it's just in my nature
I've always been like that, so shut up!

I love them all yet I hate them
They've caused me so much pain
Here it is, it's Christmas Day
Yet there's still my 13 nieces and nephews I haven't been to see

My family just isn't close, it's dysfunctional
Over the years of growing up
I've come to realize
We don't care, we never have, never will

I want so much to change it all
But I can't, I know I can't
Being the youngest of six children
It hurts me so deeply

I just want everyone to be happy
But how can I make everyone happy
When I'm not happy myself
I've been unhappy this whole time

Last year I went through Depression, it hit me bad
They all tried to tell me that it was depression
But I tried to explain, I've always been this way
Does that mean I've been depressed my entire life?

Been going through it for 19, almost 20 years?
With absolutely no knowledge of it at all?
I don't know how I never noticed this
How, why, unexplainable!

None of my family know about it
And I plan on keeping it that way
I'd rather tell a complete stranger about my problems
Then tell my family and the others close to me.
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And that's the story of my life. I tried and I dont know how yet how it sounds I have to take a look at it myself.. but yeah that's how I feel, how I've always felt.. and as far as I'm concerned.. no one can change my ways, and my feelings, and thoughts...

Thanks for readingxxx