Trapping me in a web of happiness,
But truly it is all an illusion.
For I struggle in this web till I die�
Or till the spider eats me alive.
I have no motivation left.
For it flew out of the door with you,
You followed after it when I needed comfort,
Like an actor does a cue.
It hurts to watch you leave,
It hurts to look away.
I wish the best for you,
That�s all I have to say.
I lie here now in my bed,
The pillow a hard rock under my head.
And I think to myself why?
Why can�t I just die?
Weeks turned into months, months into years,
I can�t chase away all these returned fears.
Now I am but bones and skin,
I guess I let my fears win.
They know.
They know I have no motivation left,
That�s why I am here.
Here on top of this little cleft.
I could end it all now says the fear�
It tells the truth.
It knows the weakness in my eyes,
Trails after me like a puppy after a youth.
I could choose to end it all,
The pain, the lies, the life,
But something comes back to me,
Through all the strife.
I remember your words Grandmama,
The words on that June night,
�Ne�er for the world loose,
Stand up for what is wrong if you think it right.�
This gives me motivation.
Gives me the strength to stand,
I walk forward.
Knowing there�s no soft place to land,
But then I am flying,
For the last few seconds of time.
Pain reddens my vision,
And I feel like a butchered cow or swine.
I left, the blackness taking over,
Not caring who finds me.
But shouldn�t the pain be gone?
Shouldn�t I be free?
I don�t see you Grandmama,
To hold me and chase away my fears.
Slowly my eyes flutter open,
And immediately there are tears.
The sharp scent of disinfectant,
The asylum white walls,
I�m in the hospital, covered with cold blankets,
And I shiver,
The beeping of the machines familiar against all odds,
The tubes and cords threatening to choke me.
I need to be let out,
This skin is too tight now.
I know this without a doubt.
My heart turns at a slight sound,
A snoring reaching my ears,
There he sits fast asleep,
I see him through all my tears.
His name is Justin,
A guy from my English class,
I never really knew him,
But my heart swelled up fast.
I knew he�d come to replace you,
A hole that�ll never be filled.
But I�ll let him get close,
To the wound that never healed.
His eyes open, staring at me with icy blue eyes.
�How are you today?� he says in a laid back way.
�I�m cold, tired, hurting,� I reply, �And hungry.�
He smiles and indicates where the food is at my feet.
I scoot over the tubes thunking like chains dully.
His warmth slides in and I eat.
We talk and he hugs me close,
I recognize my Grandmama�s hug,
I smile sadly, slowly letting go,
I know you Grandmama wanted me to,
As my heart gives one humongous tug.
Finally,
Finally,
Finally,
Finally I have the motivation to live.
It�s you.
Dedicated to my Grandmama Mary and my �adopted� brother Justin. I love you both!
