Between Commands

by Void   Jan 4, 2008


Another storm rolls, between sunshine and star-wake.
Those clocks all start melting, this time is a mistake.
The warmth has hit coldly, upon innocent skin,
As hatred flows heavily through pupils of sin.

His strength knocks her down, on glass and concrete
And from under his shadow, she still tries to reach,
Reach up toward him, an unsteady hand
To make sure he smiles, between his commands.

A mutter, a stutter
-A whispered out plea,
The look of 'I love you' that she'll never see.

A bruise that befriends her, he's marked her his own
It's Slow Spinning Redemption, that he'll never know.

...Still broken and bleeding, she's getting too weak.
From under his shadow, she's trying to see
See all that's in him, and his unsteady hands
To make sure he smiles, between his commands.

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Latest Comments

  • 16 years ago

    by Empathy

    Yes the thought into this poem is tremendous! It's fluency was just as amazing as the word choice, and I like the message you're putting out with this poem, as many others have said it could very well be related to. Therefore I believe you did a great job with this. Excellent!

  • 16 years ago

    by Polaroid

    The way you wrote it was simply wonderful, I really liked the rhyme sceme, you used alot of different synonyms so it was far from boring. The form of it was different so that contributed to the "not boring" factor.

    keep up the work
    polaroid
    p.s great job on the contest :P

  • 16 years ago

    by Silent Screams

    I agree, It is something easy to relate to. I Mean Geez, I relate to it, No lies! ^^
    I Really do love your Poetry and I Hope to be able to read more! <3 ^^ 5/5

    Keep it Up,
    -Ally

  • 16 years ago

    by Teria

    "As hatred flows heavy through pupils of sin."

    That line there might sound better with the word "heavily" instead of "heavy".
    And, I believe that it's due to the fact all three other lines have 12 syllables, and this one following as eleven. Though, that might not quite be the reason, it's just one of the things I noticed. And, that can mess up the flow sometimes.

    The seconds stanza actually had a great flow, even though the syllable count was completely off minus the two [10] counts. Which is why the last line in the stanza before might not flow right due to the syllable count.

    "A mutter, a stutter
    -A whispered out plea,
    The look of 'I love you' that she'll never see."

    I love that stanza, completely.
    It's flawless, amazing and just perfect.

    The entire poem is amazing, I see very few problems with it. Actually, heavy/heavily was the only thing I thought was off. And, that's just my opinion.

    I love how you put in the whole " make him smile " line because so many people do that while in this kind of relationship. Be it a sibling, relative, or lover.

    So, I think that this poem is easy to relate to and absolutely amazingly written.

    5/5

    [p.s.] thanks for the comment. it helped a lot.

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