I want to be free...i am just closed bound to myself if to no one else. My family is overwhelming me...i can physically feel myself wanting to be alone. I just want to be able to do as i please with no one to answer to.
I wish it could be how it was when my parents were young. They seemed to have done it all..they werent lame like me. They lived life to the fullest how do i do that if they wont let me do anything.
I take that back they let me do things but only if i ask like a week before...or if they give me a hard time about it. Its annoying and pathetic i guess on my part to be annoyed at him..especially him.
I know he loves me...but it is too much. Can one person love someone too much? I dont know the answer to that question all i know is that it is one extreme to the next with him. I say something because it is how i feel...and all of a sudden he is hurt and i dont love him????
How is this fair? Its not...just as all things in life arent. One of the few things that make living troublesome. I know that in due time i will be free...but really will i be free as i would like? Will he ever let me go...spread my wings let me fly on my own?
To make my own mistakes sometimes that is what it takes...but how can i do that if i am not allowed to do anything on my own. I wanted to leave the state...that never happens unless i am with him.
I long to hole myself up and just be alone. I guess as usual i ask for the impossible. He wants to know whats wrong..how do you tell someone you love with all of your heart that you are restless and unsettled living with him. That you want freedom...that you wish he didnt care as much as he did...that he could trust you and let you spread your wings...and yet he cant or more so he wont.
How do you do that without hurting him. I am too nice most of the time i dont like saying whats on my mind for the fear i shall hurt those around me. I let my family and some friends walk all over me...and in the end i am the one in the corner licking my wounds. I prefer this but would i have the ability to kill someone let alone hurt them.
I think i do...i think i could hurt someone but those that i hurt once i cooled down..i would be ate up inside by the guilt. It will engulf all of me and squeeze until i couldnt look at myself any longer. I would be so disgusted...is this right? Does everyone feel that way?
I am stuck here in my life...where i dont prosper no fade...i am stuck in a spot between being told to take on tons of responsiblity and yet be treated like a child. I havent been a child at least in my mind for quite some time...apparently now days...its not safe to be out after 8 even though i am an adult...and i am a good person.
It boils down to the fact that my father doesnt have faith in himself with the way i was raised but is it right for him to punish me for his short commings? He doesnt see it this way and maybe i dont have the heart to tell him..but one day i wont be here any longer he will have driven away...will i be free i dont know because i ahvent been on my own ever for more than a couple hours...i could very likely fail..but how will i ever know if he cant let go?
