Suicide- I'm Sorry!!

I didn’t know what to do I just picked them up and dreamed about the life I could have had
No more fears, no more pain, no more stress , just something to gain
I held back my tears and felt life was in gods hands
I didn’t feel scared or ashamed I just felt brave
So brave for making this choice, so brave for looking forwards to a new life
I didn’t want to leave my friends or family so soon
In fact I didn’t want to leave them at all I just wish they could have come with me
I left a note a thank you and god bless to everyone I love and care for
My hand shook as I opened the first one, I just held back my tears and looked to a better life
All this time I’ve felt so used but yet again it re-occurs
I cant help the way I am but I hate it so so much
I just wish I’d had the guts to face up to it and tell myself NO
No to the times I felt so cheap, no to the times I felt so dirty and used, and no to the times I felt so helpless and so confused.
I just wish things would have changed and these thoughts and feelings would have gone from inside of me
But they didn’t and I was left in pain and hatred
The hate I felt towards myself, the hate I felt towards the ones who made me feel so down, the hate towards god for letting me be who I was
But as I just laid myself down and took the last one, I hoped all my pain would go away and I would be so happy in my dream
So happy that I’d be living my dream, so happy that I’d be free now, so happy that I’d be away from this pain I put myself through
I just wish that things could have worked out differently somehow, that I could have stayed with the people I love and be able to hold their hands through thick and thin.
Then maybe I could have got through this suffering and I would still have them by my side.
Now I look down on my past life and think why did I leave? My life wasn’t all bad compared to others
I could have moved to a better place somewhere hot, somewhere where no one can find me, where nobody knows me, just to make a new start, a new me.
Where I can change my ways with men, where I wont be used or feel cheap and dirty.
But instead I took my life and I miss my family and friends and now I’ve left them with my pain as they’re now mourning my death.
I’m Sorry!!

Copyright 2004.