I FEEL YOUR PAIN. AND I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. MY ADVICE TO U IS DON'T GIVE UP, KEEP DOING WHAT U DOING ANS STOP BLAMING YOURSELF FOR WHAT HAPPEN CAUSE IF U DO, IT WILL HURT EVEN MORE. I DON'T KNOW YOU BUT IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO CHAT WITH I'M HERE. GOOD LUCK.