Great poem. too often are we let down by our own dreams for better things

"You live in fear of flying knuckles but you cant seem to change
Trapped in this house, trapped in this house like a cage"
^^^
[ I'm not sure how I like the beginning. The beginning is supposed to grab one's attention and pull them in. Although I do somewhat like the beginning line, I just don't feel it's a very strong beginning. And I dislike the repetition here at the beginning as well.]

"Slave to your man, who cant find compassion for you
He comes home drunk in a rage, its nothing new"
^^^
[Hm. I must be honest, I really don't like these two lines at all; "you" and "new" are such cliche rhymes, Alex.. I know you can do better.]

"Leaves you crying curled up in a ball, hiding scared
Alcohols struck again leaving him completely impaired"
^^^
[It should be: "...hiding[,] scared...".
And again, I don't like it. You usually do really well, but your personalizing the poem a lot.. you're telling a story in detail, and although detail is fantastic, it's the kind of details that make you picture your own story that are amazing. Does that make sense?]

"Opening a new scar to seal old wounds with a knife
Another night spent crying under the moons unforgiving light"
^^^
[I do like this line a bit.. the first, not so much, but the second, a lot more. It's very creative; although you broke the rhyme scheme and should be shot [kidding!] I liked the wording anyways.]

"The night speaks to you and gives you some new hope
A reason to live and a means of learning to cope"
^^^
[Again, you've gone cliche on the meaning, but the way you worded the second sentence was very nice. -clap,clap-]

""Leave with the first light, go when you still see the moon
Run for the sunlight, new opportunities now open for you.""
^^^
[Now, I'm not sure where this came from, and perhaps you should add another two lines explaining who or what's talking here... but I do love these lines. They're very creative and bring light to the poem.]

"Dance while you scream that you are now finally free
Free to seek your goals and become what youve wanted to be"
^^^
[Alex... You're killing me with cliche. "Free" and "be"? Babe, I know you've got better...]

"Free to find the love that has waited all this time for you
Happiness never felt so real til you felt the dawn ridden with dew"
^^^
[Nowwww. This is what I like. "happiness never felt so real til you felt the dawn ridden with dew". I LOVE that.. very creative and beautiful all at once. Although, I think you should take out the word "with".. it makes it flow a little better, but beautiful job.]

"Life has finally cut you a break under the new morning blue
Reality sinks in as you find no love here waiting for you"
^^^
[Alright, I disliek the first line a lot..
and the seconds one's not too bad. However, "blue" and "you".. cliche me, buddy.]

"Lost as you wander; you begin to ask the night questions
Wonder if its judgment was actually a plan of destruction"
^^^
[Hmm. I'm not sure what to think of these lines. Creative rhyming, -yay!- but the two lines don't seem to flow with the rest of the poem; they seemed to have come from nowhere? I'm not sure, maybe I'm delusional.]

"Find that the night was disguised as fate set out for your demise
Distressed you're reduced to ending it all under the beating sunlight"
^^^
[Ohhh, again, you killed the rhyme scheme, but I really, really like these lines. You described in a way that told us what you were thinking, but let's us imagine a little on our own. Now that's how I like it. :).]

""Lost in the sunlight, leave, you will not see the moon.
Walk for the first time, find no one has waited for you..." "
^^^
[Oohhhhh. I realllllly like these ending lines. Although I detested some of the lines in this poem, this is definately my favorite.]

[Over all, you didn't do too badly. I'm sure you realized it yourself, but you did skip rhyme scheme a bit, and you lost a little flow... you went cliche hardcore on me a few times.. but overall, you did an okay job. Keep it up.]

xTheEcastasyofSuicidex 4.5