Severed Relationship

by April   Jan 20, 2008


Will you be my suicide so i do not die alone
when you slice my wrist please cut it to the bone
severe all the love let the blood flow from my veins
remove you from my heart but the memory still remains
sew my mouth shut push the needle through my lips
piercing my soul with each well thought out stitch
wipe away the tears take the sadness from my eyes
draining my emotions- the outcome of your lies.

still in the works..let me know what you think..could use some suggestions

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  • 16 years ago

    by amber

    Hi darlin....i love the subject of this. its sad and painful and full of destraught. You might want to elaborate as michael said with more feelings. It's such a strong piece but could be stronger with more descriptions on the way your feeling. Like......for example....instead of using "you tore me apart" you could use something like "at my one moment of vulnerability, when i needed your comfort, you turned from me and shredded my only hope of ever being loved." something kind of like that. BUT DONT HATE ME FOR SAYING SO! lol i'm only trying to help. and i would very much appreciate it if you see something of mine that needs work on if you would offer suggestions. It is very good.
    thank you
    ~*~Amber~*~

  • 16 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    Hiya April,

    I love the subject matter. Suicide is always a meaty topic. I think it could have been structured differently and maybe elaborated on, but it's great as it is too. If you like we could work on it together. Anyway let me know.

    Michael

  • 16 years ago

    by Cara

    Hey u dont need suggestions i think its good just like it is.
    i love ur writing.

    xx

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