Stoke The Fire, Douse The Flame [Collab With Mel]

BAHAHAHAHA

Smurfie..what the hell. Clearly we have both improved!

O.k, so this is truly sarcastic, to be honest this isn't my favorite poem of yours but that is just my opinion.
Both of you are great writers but I personally don't like some parts of the poem, your writing styles match in this piece amazingly but I still somehow don't like a few stanzas.
Before I start with each stanza I want to say that when I don't like some line that doesn't means that that line isn't written greatly, that is just my personal opinion and taste.
-If you say my eyes are beautiful, I may have to rip you to shreds,
A mis-fortunate gesture of kindness caught up in a whirlpool of lies.
Distinguish the fire in your pants, my stomach may just turn to acid,
Polluting thoughts in honey I'm a bee prepared to sting at your pupils.-
^This lines are fascinating, incredible opening stanza, it pulled me right in to this piece and every word is chosen on a fantastic way. Very creative too, I admire this beginning.

-Yet you're blissfully unaware of the utter contempt I feel,
Every single time you place those disgusting puppy dog eyes on me,
Still content on living in your ridiculous whimsical fairyland,
Where every thing's made with a dash of sunshine and the grass is always green. -
I don't like this stanza, sarcasm seems somehow forced to me here and I think that some combinations of words could be more effective.

-I'd prefer to be lit on fire then feel these fake flames burning within
"You're a disease" I whisper. While you burn my insides to dust,
My stomach is sick with your thought as embers crisp within my mouth,
Torch me again darling, just for your thrills of, what? "lustful" events -
I don't like this stanza too, I don't know how to explain that I don't like concept of whole part.

-
Funny how we used to be so close; thinking we were perfect together,
Only for our relationship to go crash bang and burn in such a short time,
Whispering those words again though you don't have a clue what they mean,
but no; I wont fall for them this time; I'm not as stupid as you look. -
Another stanza that I dislike, it again seems forced to me, last line is brilliant though, it is so ironic and it made me smile.

-How much more did you think I'd take? Before the buildings fell to the ground,
Oh and by buildings, I'm actually only talking about things which keep me alive,
A drip of gasoline to my heart strings for you to play them like a harmony,
Though do listen carefully as you will see it's you who drowns in song-
This stanza impressed me, it is so remarkable and it posses a mind-blowing tone, superbly done, it is so unique and truly beautiful.

-Can you hear the sorrowful notes playing; they're slowly getting louder,
Come a little closer this way darling; it's not like you to be so shy,
Let me stand and watch; silently reveling in your defeat, tick tock;
Did you notice the melody's almost at an end? -
I don't like first two lines too much but I admire last two, this is interesting and very captivating.

-I'll only repeat myself once more so hunnie get it through your head,
"Distinguish the fire in your pants, Your a disease which makes me ill"
You know that loving flame which you lit, ment to burnt within my soul?
Well guess what sweetie! I'm now drenching it with rain. -
I don't like this stanza too much, it posses atmosphere in which I didn't enjoy too much.

-
What an idiot you were to think I'd continue standing for your lies,
Didn't you hear the proverb a person will only take so much,
Let this torrential rain splatter and cleanse me thoroughly,
Look baby; the fire's been consumed; it's finally distinguished.-
I like some things about the ending but I don't like first line of this stanza, ending line is great, very nice.

All in all I appreciate originality of this poem, it is good just not one of my favorite ones.
This sarcastic style is not my favorite thing.

First off I must say that I love this title. If I didn't see the post I probably would of read it anyways. So on to the comment...

First stanza: The first line REALLY grabbed my attention. The whole stanza is filled with sarcasm and wonderful metaphors. I think thats what they are called. Lol. I feel dumb. But overall a powerful first stanza...

Second: Oh how the sarcasm coninues. Lol. I love it. The only thing that really bothered me was the long line on the last line. For me, it kind of messed with the flow. I am the first one to admit, I am no expert on flow. So pardon me if I made a mistake (: Another wonderful stanza.

Third: I was wondering if [in the second line] you meant to say your instead of you're. It may be a typo or you wanted it that way. Either way it is fine. Just wanted to point that out. Oh how the sarcasm is killing me. I can not seem to pick out a favorite line from each stanza they are all amazing. You two are amazingly creative I must add.

Fourth: I love the stanza. It is simply amazing and now I see how this all relates. But in the second line, I THINK that maybe there should be commas in between the crash, bang, and burn. Which I must say is an ah-mazing line. The last line of this stanza made me laugh and smile putting aside my sick feeling. I loved it.

Fifth: Again, the long lines are here. Kinda bugs me. Idk why though. Hmm. But great storyline which all in all is the same as the poem progresses but you use different ways to express it. A great characteristic for a poem to hold. One thing that could POSSIBLY be changed >> Oh and by buildings, I'm actually only talking about things which keep me alive,

I think that the word actually can be taken out or the word only. Either way it will sound a tad bit better. Just an idea though...

Sixth: Oh boy, the melodies and symphonys. Yay. Whoo hoo. Lol. Anywho.. I love the idea of this stanza. And the not like you to be so shy line has to be my favorite. While this peice holds a sarcastic tone at times it is able to have a sense of elegence. Which is visible in this stanza...

Seventh: Bam. I love the first line. I can picture a girl saying this with her hand on her hip. Silly me though. Great job with the wording as well. Yeah drench it with rain girl. Lol. This stanza really gave off a feeling of independance and strength that many females often lack. But one thing, ment I believe is supposed to be meant. But could be a different word... Wonderful stanza btw.

Last: Wow, what an amazing way to end this peice. Just wonderful. I also think that the fire you are talking about may be the actual romance. Could just be me though.

Overall, this was an amazing collab. You can hardly tell two people wrote it. Keep it up guys. I loved it. The sarcasm included. Again, great job.
5.5

Amber.

I'm impressed. The flow was excellent and I'm loving the sarcastic tones. In my opinion this poem could have been even greater if it rhymed. But nevertheless is is the 'nicest' hate poem I've read in a long while...

Ally. x

I felt every inch of anger from this.
this line
"Polluting thoughts in honey I'm a bee prepared to sting at your pupils"

oh man, it made me want to clench my fist and go sting some people in the eye!

This may not rhyme in ever spot, which usually bugs people. They do not understand that poetry is not about rhyming.
Although my thoughts are that this line:
"Still content on living in your own ridiculous whimsical fairyland,"
would sound better as
"Still content on living in your own ridiculous whimsical fantasy"
And it actually does rhyme.

Also
"Your a disease" I whisper."
the correct spelling is
""You're a disease" I whisper."

"A drip of gasoline to my heart strings for you to play them like a harmony,
Though do listen carefully as you will see it's you who drowns in song."

You are very VERY talented to come up with a line as powerful as this. The emotion, the anger, and frustration bounces out in every word. you should make this a quote.

I am adding this poem to my favorites.
I hoped I could help some.
5/5
although id prefer if i couldve given you higher.