Let me start by saying this ,
not everything in my life is bad.
There is a lot in my life I have to be thankful for ,
and yet there are still sometimes I feel sad.
For the sadness I only have myself to blame ,
for it is only I who made the decisions I did a long time ago.
I know that I am lucky to have my partner ,
and the love he feels for me he does in everyway show.
But and I know its cruel to say I am not 'in love' with him ,
over the years he's made me feel like I am being suffercated.
Don't get me wrong I do care for him a great deal ,
but his old fashoined ways I once respected is slowly leading me to feel hatred.
I was once 'in love' before but it only hurt ,
so a partner to feel safe with was what I looked for.
I also didn't want to raise my child all alone ,
and as much as I feel safe this safeness on it's own is not what I want anymore.
As the kids grow older and need me less ,
its being 'in love' that I am starting to miss so very much.
Recently I had felt that 'in love' feeling for another but it turnt out he only lied ,
but being reminded of the feeling leaves me yearning for that loving touch.
Regreting my decision I have to live with for I can not hurt my partner ,
he is a good man in many ways and does not deserve any pain.
So that is why I say I only have myself to blame ,
for I made the decision to live in safety and to never love again.
