Lots of pieces

This is the norm for me. wake before the sun. drink lots O coffee, Newport's, think bout nothing. stare into space. seems like i may be waiting for something. but i have no idea what it is. sometimes i reflect on things that were, and things that could have been. for a brief moment a Lil bit of clarity comes over me. first i am hated, then i am loved, then i am despised. i am very aware that my actions tend to shed a bad light over me. but really i am not up to anything. so many times i have offered up an explanation as to why i am the way i am. but that always makes things worse. so i shut down, and say nothing. don't explain enough, or over explain. a twisted, wicked web. it would be so much easier if i had the ability to speak to another without using words. then they would know exactly how i feel. they would know that I'm not that bad. i am fully capable of doing and being bad. but I'm not that way always. I'm like a puzzle. lots of pieces.