Questions

by darrell   Feb 6, 2008


Let me tell you what i see,
your problems locked in your heart
oh how i wish i had the key
or been there from the start

hidden is heart deep in your chest
but i can still see the wounds
you say I'll only give it to the best
i hope you find him soon

maybe u have
and I'm in the way
or maybe you haven't
and you want me to stay

if you let me i can heal your scars
i can give you pieces of my heart to mend yours
your are the sun but you keep me on mars
i can barley see you like the stars

am i in you mind
you'll quickly say yes
but in your chest am i what u find
u respond with i must rest

i want to show you how to feel
protect you from the pain forever
when i ask you what you feel
a pause and a let me get my thoughts together

i want to hold u close
i need you next to me
but i am in the dark and i cant see
your light will you ever give it to me?

(c) Darrell 2-5-2008

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Latest Comments

  • 16 years ago

    by Siqua

    Aww.
    this is sooo sweet.
    the girl who has you is very lucky.

  • 16 years ago

    by pookiengurgi

    Nice...that was a wonderfulyl romantic poet and the words flowed so great together

  • 16 years ago

    by Poetic Ninja aka Papachopchop

    I happened to like this poem and I've been where you are right now, plenty of times in fact. But anyway, onto the poem. I read the previous comment by letty and about the lines...
    your are the sun but you keep me on mars
    i can barley see you like the stars
    What I get outta that was that she placed you in a place further away from where she likes. Which would leave one feeling isolated and confused a bit. If I'm wrong tell me, heck, if I'm right tell me... just wanna know if I got out of it what you were trying to say.

  • 16 years ago

    by Letty

    First let me say that I love the whole concept of the poem, but as you said yourself, it needs work. You have a few grammar errors, capitalization error, and you need to use punctuation. Punctuation plays a big part in poetry. It's like a tour guide to the reader. It explains the actions and emotions of the poem, etc. You must always capitalize any single letter I. This poem also needs to be tweaked a bit. What I mean by that is that some parts of the flow is off and some of the rhyming seems forced. Remember a poem doesn't always have to rhyme. When you force rhyme some parts of the poem ended up not making very much sense. For example, the fourth stanza, sentences three and four:

    your are the sun but you keep me on mars
    i can barley see you like the stars

    Those two lines really didn't make much sense to me. They didn't even go with the flow of the poem either. Also instead of "your" in the third sentence it should have been "you". As I said before this really is a beautiful poem. I would say you consider this one to be like your first draft. After a little editing and adding this poem can be wonderful. I hope that my honesty doesn't offend you. But isn't that the reason that we all our here? I myself even get critique like this at times; but it only makes me strive to work harder. : ) I really do look forward to reading your final draft of this poem. Good luck!

    Letty

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