First let me say that I love the whole concept of the poem, but as you said yourself, it needs work. You have a few grammar errors, capitalization error, and you need to use punctuation. Punctuation plays a big part in poetry. It's like a tour guide to the reader. It explains the actions and emotions of the poem, etc. You must always capitalize any single letter I. This poem also needs to be tweaked a bit. What I mean by that is that some parts of the flow is off and some of the rhyming seems forced. Remember a poem doesn't always have to rhyme. When you force rhyme some parts of the poem ended up not making very much sense. For example, the fourth stanza, sentences three and four:

your are the sun but you keep me on mars
i can barley see you like the stars

Those two lines really didn't make much sense to me. They didn't even go with the flow of the poem either. Also instead of "your" in the third sentence it should have been "you". As I said before this really is a beautiful poem. I would say you consider this one to be like your first draft. After a little editing and adding this poem can be wonderful. I hope that my honesty doesn't offend you. But isn't that the reason that we all our here? I myself even get critique like this at times; but it only makes me strive to work harder. : ) I really do look forward to reading your final draft of this poem. Good luck!

Letty

I happened to like this poem and I've been where you are right now, plenty of times in fact. But anyway, onto the poem. I read the previous comment by letty and about the lines...
your are the sun but you keep me on mars
i can barley see you like the stars
What I get outta that was that she placed you in a place further away from where she likes. Which would leave one feeling isolated and confused a bit. If I'm wrong tell me, heck, if I'm right tell me... just wanna know if I got out of it what you were trying to say.

Nice...that was a wonderfulyl romantic poet and the words flowed so great together

Aww.
this is sooo sweet.
the girl who has you is very lucky.